Squish.....Where Did That Ick Come From?

***A little warning......first.......this is my blog .......it often functions as my therapy.........humor gets me through life......and while "THIS" is not about me, this blog is about me.........if any of those things offend you, click away now.....you’ve been warned........

Second.....this is me, my heart, my thoughts, my struggles. I am far from perfect. I am trying, but I promise you, I fail a lot. This is for my black friends AND my white friends. You are free to comment with your real thoughts, with your real anger  as long as they are directed at me. Do not attack my friends or vent your anger at them on this post! I will delete those comments immediately. Say what you want about and to ME.....unfriend me, hate me, whatever.....just leave my friends out of it. Because, guess what? I have friends that look like me and think like me which means maybe they look and think like you too. But I have been abundantly blessed in this life to have friends that don’t look like me and/or think like me too. I love you all. And because I love you, I will shut down anyone who attacks any of you......I’m the friend mama bear ;)  

Saying yes in the hurting and leaning into the brokenness is not easy or painless......... 

To say that 2020 has been a wild ride is an understatement. And I’m not going to lie, it’s not a fun one.  I have sent 17 sympathy cards this year and should have sent about 5 more.  Most of those were in January and February, before the rest of the madness hit. Grief hangs so heavy over this year! 

Next came Covid-19.......another grief and fear inducing chapter. Not sure if this ‘game’ is over, or if we’re just pausing for half-time entertainment. If Covid is a game and where we find ourselves in America is the half-time show, it so much worse than any Super Bowl halftime I’ve hated in the past. I want to beg someone to pull the plug......but pulling the plug would just turn the lights off and stuff all this crap back into the darkness......what we really need.....what I NEED.....is to shine The Light into all the dark spaces. What I really need, not want, NEED, is to be broken.

Guys, I’m broken....and I want to be broken more because only in MY brokenness can God mold me back together in His image.

This is about to get messy. I’m going to ramble and let my thoughts flow.

Gods word tells me that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  There’s a lot of speaking going on in the world and in my head.  The overflow is beautiful, it’s ugly, it’s filled with hate, and it’s filled with love. As my heart and the hearts of others are squished.....the overflow spews out. Hurting people lash out and hurt others.

Y’all, my black friends are hurting in ways that I can not understand. I don’t know what it’s like to fear for my life and the lives of my kids every day because they go out into a world where there are many people, some of those people in powerful positions, that hate them just because they are black.  Those are real facts. Police that use excessive force, even when its not deadly but especially when it is, are 100% wrong and should be held accountable every single time. I support all of the protests calling for and demanding change. To my black friends if you’re reading this. I’ve learned in situations where people are hurting and grieving that sometimes the best thing that I have to offer is simply to sit with you........to listen to the deep rage and anguish in your heart and not shy away....to just be with you. If that is your place, and you want me there, just say the word.

Five years ago, my oldest son got his driver’s license. Around the same time, the black son of a friend of mine got his license. His mom probably has no idea to the way she opened my eyes as she and I were talking about how much having a teenager drives moms to their knees in prayer. She wasn’t trying to educate me, we were just talking as friends. Her experience of a mom and mine were so similar, yet so different......her fears as her son drove away for the first time and every time after that were my fears PLUS......plus a whole lot of blatant racism layered on top. It was then that I really began to think about and learn about what it means to be black, and young black male in particular, in our society. Since then, I have made it a point to look the black people I encounter in the eyes and offer a smile. A smile that hopefully communicates what words would only make awkward between strangers in passing....a smile that says I see you.....a smile that says I don’t hate you.....a smile that says that I’m glad we’re part of the same world. 

I try, but sometimes I see a person and I am uncomfortable, afraid even.....the smile doesn’t come. Sometimes those people are black. Sometimes they get on an elevator with me, and I hold my purse closer to my body.  Sometimes I meet them walking down the sidewalk or in the mall, and I intentionally change my path to avoid them. Sometimes I see them on the street corner as I’m driving, and I double check that my doors are locked. This week, I have been informed over and over in mostly angry rants from people with black, brown, and white skin that this means I am a racist.

I have a problem with that.......I have been personally attacked and it hurts.

                                Definition of a Racist-a person who believes the doctrine that one’s own racial 

                                                                     group is superior or that a particular racial 

                                                                     group is inferior to others 

I am not a racist. I don’t believe that whites are superior or that blacks or any other color is inferior. You see, while every single one of those scenarios have played out with a black person......they’ve also played out with people with white and brown skin. The skin tone is not the basis of my reaction. My reaction has much more to do with body language, what a person is wearing, the look in their eyes, and the feeling in my gut. I promise, those Shriners on the street corners collecting money get those locks rechecked just as quick as anyone.....they seriously freak me out! 

***Just going to repeat this right here.....my black friends can chew me up one side and down the other....... They are my friends and in that place they have the space to speak to me ........but there better be NO ONE, and I mean not one single person that lashes out at them for who they are or what they say to me***and black friends, please keep reading before you disown me, pretty please with a cherry on top because I really do love ya.

I’m struggling guys, really struggling. I’m asking God to break me and illuminate the ways that I can love better. Because while I am not racist, I have not been anti-racist either. I am heartbroken over the fact that I am sure that I have hurt my black friends at some point with my own words or actions. I am sure that I have missed opportunities to stand shoulder to shoulder with them and call out racism and injustice for what it is. I’ll share one specific time. I was in line at a fast food restaurant with my black friend standing directly and obviously in front of me in line. When the next cashier came open, the man looked at me and said, “I’ll take your order.” I responded, “she’s ahead of me.” And he just repeated, “I’ll take your order.” She laughed and said just go ahead. Looking back, I should have realized this situation for what it was and called him out and stood next to my friend and walked with her out of the store. But we continued on with our meal and she never mentioned it or showed any sort of hurt. But when I think on it, I am completely torn up.....I should have been a better friend. I should have noticed what was right in front of me instead of laughing it off as some clueless fast food employ. Though she never seemed hurt, I know she must have been....and I added to that hurt. I want to do better, and I’m asking God to show me how.

I’m also pro good cop. I back the Blue. I believe there are more good cops than bad. I believe we need to support the good cops and give them ways to call out the bad without putting their own jobs on the line. I believe that the bad  ones should be held accountable for their actions. I believe that cop behavior should be above reproach. I believe that cops in general, not all, need to get off of their power trips every single day.  There's no reason to be a jerk when you make a traffic stop or approach a group of teenagers (and yes, even white people experience these on a regular basis). But I also believe that as citizens we can all do our part to be respectful.  I have friends that are cops and friends whose spouses are cops. I love them, and I support them. Blue lives do matter.....they mattered to me before this current situation started......I won't change or step away from that. These men and women put their lives on the line for us day in and day out. If we want to talk numbers, there are way more cops killed in the line of duty than there are cops killing people. They will ALWAYS have my support. Don’t bash and trash my good cop friends!

The media is going to make sure that we know for a fact that there are black criminals who are looting, rioting, and killing....guess what? There are white criminals working right along side of them.  Some of these individuals are actually doing this as part of a protest, but many are simply taking advantage of a situation to be the criminals that they are and have been every day.  I don't agree with or condone this violent behavior, but I'd rather focus on the bigger group of protesters out there that are doing so lawfully and simply demanding to be heard.......I respect these people.  I can't begin to understand all that is in their hearts and minds. It's about cops killing black people, but it's about so much more than that. Don't ask me what.....I already fulling admitted that I don't know or understand the details. 

The messages I get are confusing. Silence is bad.....but saying too much, too little, too soon or too late is also bad.....I have somehow managed to do all of these according to my varied critics. I know I'm not alone in this, and while it is frustrating, I'm not looking for anyone to fix it either. I have questions. I am reading things that sometimes answer those questions, sometimes create more questions, and always on some level make me uncomfortable. I understand the sentiment that whites should not ask blacks to educate them because of the emotional work that takes of blacks.  I remember the exhaustion of trying to explain a cancer diagnosis when I could barely speak the word cancer.  I remember the way talking about it broke my heart a little more each time. It's the reason that people like me with a medical crisis set up Caring Bridge pages to share informations.......you just don't have it in you to repeat it over and over. So I understand this weariness.  And I understand that it doesn't matter that my daughter is doing well--when a child dies from cancer, the emotional hit is huge because they are family, even it I have never met them....they are my people. I imagine it is the same for my black friends. But I also know that in order for other people to join you in the fight for change, there comes a point and time that you must do the educating. I will say that the emotional toll never gets easier. I have seasons where childhood cancer advocacy is something I am actively involved in, but then I have seasons where I retreat from the frontline the regain some emotional balance.   So some of my questions will go unanswered until my black friends are ready to answer. If you are trying and taking baby steps towards being a more loving and kind person or organization, please don't let those who come at you with complaints of 'not doing it right or enough' deter you.  Keep taking those baby steps. Keep growing and becoming better humans and organizations.

I'm frustrated with my white friends too. I see their posts, and frankly agree with the sentiment in many of them........what about the black on black crime........what about the white kid killed by the cops.....all lives matter.......etc.......etc......etc.  And I have to ask why? Why are you posting these things that you KNOW are inflammatory? Why kick someone when they are down? Why add fuel to the fire? Are these posts doing any good to anyone? How are any of these helping anyone? Are you just trying to stir the pot? These are issues that need to be addressed, but bringing them up right now serves no good purpose.  Trust me, I get it. I just cringe every time I see one. If the goal is loving one another and bringing unity, I just feel like this is not the way. 

I don't have all the answers......shoot, I don't really have any answers. This is an issue so deep rooted and complex, that there is no easy fix. I believe that it's going to take generations. I think it's important to keep having conversations with my kids. I believe my actions speak a lot louder than any words I might say. At the end of the day, this is my direction....it won't lead me astray......

            Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your 

             soul and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.’

Neighbors......black ones, brown ones, yellow ones, white ones, and purple polka-dotted ones, rioters in the street, cops in uniform........I will fail lots and lots, but I’m trying to succeed more and more each day to love you as He loves you which is a whole lot better than anything this world has to offer. 

                                                                                                   Blessings,

                                                                                                        Amy

Where Are You God

****i am not a pastor or a biblical scholar.....i’m just a ordinary girl stumbling my way towards heaven...these are the ramblings of my heart this morning*** 

It’s Easter Sunday. From this side of history and in the church, I think we’ve (me included) have lost the enormity of this story. It’s easy to do that when you know the rest of the story. It’s easy to skip over the despair of Friday and the grief of Saturday because we know that Sunday is coming. And let’s be honest, our entire lives have been lived in a ‘post Sunday’ world.

We could go back to Friday because even Jesus asked of God, “my God why have you forsaken me?” There’s not a clearer way to ask, ‘where are you God?’ But, it’s Sunday, and God has my heart in Sunday. Here’s where I am......Matthew 28:5-8.

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

It’s 4 verses. How quickly did you read them? How many of you in your mind were more.....yada, yada, yada, go, there’s Jesus, tell the disciples, and get on with the story. It’s so easy to do that in this ‘post Sunday’ world. But let’s look at some more details given in Mark 16:1-8

When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”

But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

This is the part we skip. These women were friends of Jesus. They were at the tomb to mourn and take care of the body of their friend. I can put myself here. I can imagine leaving my home early in the morning......after not having gone to sleep at all. I can feel the heaviness of each slow step towards the grave. I feel the nervousness and dread....how we will move the stone?......I don’t want to do this.......I will do this for my friend......How is it even possible that I am here?.....the list goes on and on. I feel the weight of the 2 days of questioning, “Where are you God? This is not how this was supposed to go.”

Then they are quickly overwhelmed with facts that don’t make sense......OVERWHELMED!  The stone has already been rolled away......the body is gone....there is a man, an angel, an I don’t know what saying not to be afraid.......we’ll, darn it, I am afraid because I have no idea what has happened, and I can’t make any sense of what is before me. Where.Are.You.God????? Mark tells us that they were trembling and fled the tomb. This I totally get! I think that bewildered is a mild term to describe what they must have been feeling. 

How long was it before they were able to move through their fear enough to tell Peter and the disciples? When they told them, was it a story of faith.....’Guys, he rose from the dead just like he said he would! The tomb is empty; we will see him soon.’.......or was it clouded with fear, with doubt, with uncertainty.......’Peter....his body is gone....I don’t know where or how....there’s a guy there that says he has risen....but it was strange and scary and maybe he just stole the body and lied to us.....Peter, how can this be?.....where is God?.....Peter, he is alive....Jesus is alive!’

On this side of Sunday, it is easy to embrace the truth and the power of the resurrection........but am I really? Herein lies the real question for me. On this Easter Sunday in 2020, I find myself in a place and a world of uncertainty. In every way the world measures, we are in a mess.......massive amounts of people are dying each day, the world economy is in shambles, people are afraid of everything, heck, we can’t even find any toilet paper. Where is God in all this? With all this uncertainty and whatever plans I thought God had put before me wiped away.....am I embracing the truth and the power of my resurrected Jesus or am I stuck, unable to move, trembling in my fear? The honest truth is that it depends on the moment. Too often when I don't see God or He does not seem to be who I want him to be or act as I want him to act, I find myself 'trembling and bewildered' and doing nothing 'because I am afraid.' My God is unshakable, my faith is secure........but dang if fears don’t try to test that on a regular basis!

I don’t have it all figured out.....I don’t even have a small fraction of it figured out! But I do know that my God is bigger than whatever small glimpse I see before me. I know that at the end of this blip we call life, there is eternity with Him because of Easter. Jesus made sure of that. And while I feel like God often shakes his head, He is faithful to hold me through my fears and to fill my soul with peace. God is there to remind me of the victory of this Sunday.  In the words given to my good friend Brad on this Easter Sunday, “Let go of the fear and embrace the faith.”

Where are you God? Closer than my next breath......thank you, Jesus!

Be blessed friends!
                                            Amy 

When Saying Yes Feels A Whole Lot Like Saying No

It’s been awhile…………a really long while.  So, hey people of the interwebs; welcome back to my ramblings.

I don’t know where this is really going; I just know that the title has been floating around in my head for a few days.  I’ve been resistant to come back here. I don’t know why. March 2020 will definitely be a month to remember. If I’m around long enough to see it, it will be interesting to see how the history books describe this time in our lives. This is week 3 of being fully at home for me. Week 1 was actually nice and very productive. I got rid of a huge load of junk that’s been needing to go for a long time, we donated our oversized, over-loved couch, and I reclaimed the junk room of the house to make room for the hubs to have a space with a home office. Week 2 was absolutely not productive other than cooking so many meals. Then there was Saturday…….Saturday is when this all really seemed to hit everyone in our house. We were snippy with each other, and I just wanted to sleep the day away. This week is a mixed bag.

But y’all, I’ve been here before. I experienced life being yanked out from under me. I’ve experienced a cleared calendar. I’ve experienced isolation. I’ve experienced the fear of every surface carrying the germ that could kill my family member. Only last time it was much more shocking……one day we were fine, the next our world was shaken to the foundation.  And it was different because, while my world was shattered, everyone else’s world kept right on moving along.  This time was like a slow rumble, life slowing changing, and then finally recognizing that life had indeed been slowly yanked from under me again. This time the whole world has come to a stand still.  We’re all in this one together. Can I tell you how thankful I am that this life is not accompanied by the beeping of an IV or the quiet steps of a nurse at 2am? But at the same time, I long for that bubble of security which is lacking in this new world we are living in.  ----and let’s just take a moment right here to stop and really pray for those nurses who are still showing up at 2am to take care of their patients….most of the time without the protective equipment they need to keep themselves and their own families safe. ----Back in 2011, life taught me more than a few lessons.  So, I’m going to use this post to remind myself and maybe give you a head start on the learning.

Saying yes to this is really not a choice because we never got asked.  And this yes definitely feels like a big fat NO……..no sports, no school, no hang time with friends, no leisure shopping, no visiting family, no…..no……no!

But there is a yes, and it’s beautiful.  God is in the yes……Yes, I was here, am here, and am already in tomorrow.  I started an online journal with this in 2011 and still feel this exact same way in today……..”It scares me when I think of the days that are going to be so much worse.  I'm honestly not sure how I will cope, I just know that God is rarely early, but never late, and that He will be there to hold me up.”

When my world shattered in 2011 and all that was left was my foundation, I found it to be firm, unmoved, and solid in a way I had not understood before. And here I am again………with a faithful and unchanging God that still holds me in the palm of His hand. As I scroll through social media, I see signs and chalk drawings boldly proclaiming that “Everything will be alright.” And I simply shake my head.  I love the sentiment, but I know from experience that everything will not be alright, at least not this side of Heaven. It will not be alright when someone you love, or even someone that you just casually know, dies. I’ll be brutally honest here…..what if I die? Will that be alright? What if one of my family dies? Will that be alright? No, no it absolutely will not be alright this side of Heaven! I remember grappling with the fact that my daughter could die from cancer. So many well-intentioned folks told me ‘not to go there’ and ‘not to even speak those words’. But God knows me better than I know myself and was gentle with me through the struggle. He’s gentle with me now. I am a person that ‘has to go there’ in order to get to the place where God wants me to be…..at His feet. What I know deep, deep in my soul is that God is Good.  He’s good when I get the answer to my prayers that I long for, but I’m here to proclaim to you that He is Good, even better than good, when my prayers seem to go unanswered, when the answer is no, when my world that I thought couldn't shatter anymore somehow does…..He is Good. I have no idea how I can survive a worst-case scenario, but God does. And I choose to trust that He is already in my tomorrows. So I will give the future to Him…………….and then I’ll snatch it back with fear and worry………..and then I’ll give it to Him again. And then I’ll repeat the process over and over again with my Father who loves me immeasurably more than I can ever possibly imagine.

The 2011 version of Amy was wiser than she knew. Her words are a great comfort to me now. So I’ll leave you with these thoughts from January 24, 2011, just 9 days after the world as I knew it was changed forever…..

         “I am focusing right now on John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Grief and sadness may be my partner for the moment, but I choose to live life, not just to get by, but in the FULLNESS that Christ paid the price for.  There are things and experiences that keep being stolen from each member of this family.  I refuse to live with the thief though, and we will choose to walk in the Light and His joy.  So pray for me tomorrow because it won't be easy, but when you pray, don't forget to thank Him also for this opportunity to walk the path that He has laid before me.  It is a blessing to be me today!  Even if it doesn't look like it or feel like it on the surface---I am blessed beyond measure and held in the palm of His hand.  Deep, deep in my soul there is a peace that I have never felt before and a joy so profound that I can't even begin to give it words.”

Thanks 2011 Amy!

It's Been 1309 Days....Time to Blog Again?

This is so strange to me......why do I do this?  Two posts ago was titled "You Know It's Been a Long Time When"......I just read it.  When I posted that, it had been just over 1,300 days since I had posted before.  I managed one more post.  Then I guess I decided to wait another 1,309 days to post again.  I guess some things never change.  I would promise to do better, but I hate to break promises.  My track record says that I may post the blog I already have typed up and then wait another 1,300 days to attempt to do it again.

I had no idea what email I used to set this blog up. It only took me about 30 minutes and 40 Google verification codes to my phone to finally get back in here.  Seems I really should know better by now.

Oh well, I updated the family info section because I am no longer 30 something......M is no longer 16........K is no longer 11 (and since the boys are only 2 years apart it means at some point I managed to update M's age without updating K's or D's--weird)........D is no longer 8.

Here's where we are now......
I'm still hanging on to being a 40-something.
C and I have been married almost 26 years.
M is 21, has graduated from college, and is a real adult with a real job now.......strange I tell you!
K is 19 and a senior in college.
D is 16 and a junior in high school.

How in the world did my kids get so grown up????? There are moments when I miss them being younger, but over all, I really, really enjoy these adults that they've grown up to be! We don't quite have an empty nest, but that's just around the corner.  And though I know that I will be a mess when D spreads her wings and flies, I am also looking forward to having C all to myself again. 

So much life has happened since I last clicked the keyboard here.  Maybe I'll dig into the recesses of my mind and blog in hindsight about that, maybe not. All I really know if that for the last 3-4 days, God has rattled the title and some content of the blog I will post after this one around in my heart and my mind.  It didn't turn out how I thought it would, but hopefully that just means there's less of me and more of Him.

If there's anyone actually reading this, Hey, it's nice to see you again.

                                           Amy

A Season of Change

I never really to the time to be thankful for the stability in our lives or realized how much I truly loved it until the past few months when my little pocket of the world started to shift......some small little tilts and a couple of seemingly gigantic drops and turns.  

Ecclesiastes 3 tells me "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
     a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
     a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
     a time for war and a time for peace."


I know it's true, but I'm not so good with change. 

The biggest, most obvious change around here is that M is gone.  There's an M sized hole that exists right now.  Our family space in this place we call home has been forever altered.  That almost sounds too dramatic a statement to make about a child that has 'just gone to college'.  Trust me, I hear it all the time.  And yes, at some point, he will make it back to this house, and he will sleep in his bed...........but I will tell you this, it will never be the same again.  I simply don't have words for what it feels like for this mama to have a son in college.  It's a bit different for me because of the whole homeschooling factor.  I never chose to homeschool my kids to completely separate them from the world.  That was never how our homeschool operated anyway.  But, especially for me with M because he was and always will be the first, every step he took and achievement he got was also mine.....when he graduated from elementary to middle school, his teacher did too.......then on to high school, and his teacher got to go there too.......seriously, I think that I was more excited and relieved than he was when his college acceptance letters started arriving.  You have no idea what stress was lifted from the shoulders of this mama/teacher/principal/school counselor when there was proof written in black and white that I hadn't managed to screw this whole homeschool thing up!  But now things have changed......he's off to college, but I am not.  I am so excited for him!!!  But it's so strange to be left behind.........to go from a front row seat, to the nose-bleed section.....headed for just reading about the whole experience in the newspaper.  That part is a bit different for me than for traditionally schooling moms.  I'm actually ok with that part.  He's been pretty much on his own as a dual enrolled college student for a couple of years anyway.  What I haven't quite adjusted to is the the simple fact that I miss him.  I really like him as a person.  I miss him showing up in my room late at night to chat; I hate that he won't be texting, "mom, you want to join me for lunch?"  It hurts my heart to know that I may, in fact, never get that text again.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know that it will never again be like it was just a few short weeks ago when all three of my kids slept in their beds in my house just about every night.  When he does make it home, it will be to visit............and he will be different.  He won't be the teen that left my house.  He will be the man that he is becoming every moment of every day.  I'll always be his mom, and he'll always be my baby......but it's all too clear to me that it will never be the same again.  So I've given myself permission to mourn that that season of my life is over.  That doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to the seasons that are ahead.....just giving myself permission to remember and acknowledge what was and that it's ok, maybe even great, that I loved it so much that I miss it terribly.

Yes, this is definitely a season of change around here.  Maybe I'll write about some other of those changes soon. For now, I'm going to sleep.


                                                                                  Amy

You Know It's Been Too Long When....

Well, I guess I just took an unintended 3 1/2 year break from this old blog.  Really, I have no idea what it was that made me step away...........probably more of a drift that just kept drifting.  Whatever the case, about a month ago I got the itch to put some words on the screen again.  Yes, it has taken me a month to get back here even after I had the desire to do so.  I've got issues!  And finally, tonight, for whatever reason, I was determined to make it back.  You see, a couple of times in the last month, I'm made attempts to get back here.  But it seems that when you can't remember the email address associated with your blog log in, it can be a bit difficult to figure out how to get back in.  Issues.....remember.  So tonight, I decided I was going to dig through my 'keeps' folder in the filing cabinet with the hopes that at some point in the past I was smart enough to write down my login information somewhere.  It took awhile, but I did finally find a crunched up piece of paper with the info I needed to get me back here.........so here I am.

I did read the last post I wrote so very long ago, but not the ones before.  So I'm going to do a VERY quick, like shorter than Reader's Digest quick, very boring summary of where I find myself today....
We'll start with the whole "Meet the Family" section. What is says about me is still true, though we've been married now for 22 years......seriously, a lifetime, how did that happen????  And I have had a few birthdays and am now 40-something.  C is still as amazing as he has always been, just a little more 'distinguished' with the hair if you know what I mean.  M, oh my M, he's---GULP---18 now.  He grew up to be this amazing tech genius, and he's left me for this foreign land he calls college.  That whole process is what really kicked up my need to get some feelings out here, so I'm sure you'll hear more about it soon.  K is still stuck in the middle, He's almost 16 now and is confidently driving me everywhere with his learner's permit. He still loves sports, especially soccer.  And D is still my baby girl; she's just all grown up and 13 years old now.  She took her last chemo pills on May 20, 2013.  I'm sure that her journey which is also my journey will be discussed here as well......really, it's thoughts about that part of my life that have partially brought me back here too.

My last post here was on January 20, 2013.....that was 1,324 days ago.  I'm not the same person as I was then----shocker!!!  The changes have been good and bad I suppose. I guess we'll all see those revealed as these words go from my fingers to the screen.  One thing I am certain of is that my God has not changed in those days that have passed...........He is ever faithful to be exactly who He has always said He is and will be......me, not so much.  But I still want to say yes, so here I am.  Hopefully posting a little more regularly than every 3 1/2 years of so :)


                                                                                       Amy

One Step Closer To What?

And now, on to the post that I thought I was writing a couple of minutes ago.....unless, of course, God has something else I mind:)

Each day of my sweet girl's treatment for cancer has been marked off of the calendar with gratitude that we survived that day.  That hasn't changed, but over the last month something has changed.  For so long, I have repeated to myself, "We're one step closer.". It's a true statement, but as I have finally begun to see the end of treatment in the not so distant future another question has come.  One step closer to what?  I remember back at the beginning telling people that I just couldn't wrap my brain around 2 1/2 years of treatment.  So we took it one day at a time, one treatment phase at a time.  Now here I sit with only 4 months of treatment left , and I marvel that we have made it to the point that I can see that endpoint at all.  It seemed so far away 2 years ago, but now it's rapidly approaching.

And now the question comes......one step closer to what?  Well, one thing is obvious; one step closer to no more daily chemo.  What most people assume is that that brings with it great excitement and a feeling of conquering the beast we know as cancer.  And there is some of that for sure.  One step closer to being cured.  But the backdrop is what no cancer mom wants to talk about because it is perhaps our biggest fear.......relapse.  Are we one step closer to a cure or one step closer to relapse.......the question, one step closer to what?  The truth is that only time will tell because no one on earth knows the answer to that question.  The truth is that you start this journey with only one thought in mind....cure.  But somewhere along the way your are met with the reality that relapse is a very real possibility.

Now I know what many well meaning people will say at this point.  You must think positive!  Most kids do NOT relapse.  Eighty percent, in fact, never hear the word leukemia again.  I'm a pretty positive person, but I'm also a numbers girl and a realist.  Here's what I would tell you about 80%.......80% means that 1in 5 kids WILL, in fact, relapse.  That doesn't sound quite as good.  I'll also let you know that well less than 1% of kids will ever have cancer in the first place, and I've already been faced with experiencing that 1%.  Which means that facing 20% seems all that more likely to me.

So back to the question that is rattling around my brain.....one step closer to what?  If I'm talking cure or relapse, I honestly don't know the answer.  But this question is way bigger than cancer.  One step closer to.........Jesus or Satan?  Now you might think that is a bit dramatic, but I believe it's always one or the other........harsh but true.  What I've learned is that each steps take has significance here; each choice I make matters.  And then there's the truth that points to peace and makes all the other questions pale in comparison.  THE answer........one step closer to what?........Heaven and the arms of my Savior.  Between here and there will be either cure or relapse, or perhaps both.  But the destination will not change.........each and every step in every one of my days brings me one step closer to Heaven.  Thank you Jesus!

                                                Amy

                                                       Amy