Monday, January 23, 2012

Feeling Deeply

The last 10 days have been hard for me emotionally.  And for the last 10 days I have been doing my best to keep moving through the pain.  But today, I just really felt lead to slow down and even stop and to just feel it all........feel it deeply..........and hopefully to let it go.  Over the last week I have said "see you on the other side" to 11 kids ranging in age from 2-13.........way too young to pass.  I hate what cancer does to our children!!!!  In addition to that, several that are in the midst of the fight have recieved not so good news........and that hurts too.  I don't know, it just seems like for every one bit of good news, there have been 4 or 5 bits of bad news.  Most of these friends are of the online variety with just a few 'real life' ones thrown in.  I have been advised to 'step away from the computer' by some who I know just want things to be easier for me.  But there is a firmer, more consistent voice in my heart that says that this is where He is sending me..........to feel their hurt and share their burdens.  I may 'only get to type on a keyboard' but it is what I am called to do.  Their names are on my heart in constant prayer..........they feel much closer to me than most of the the people I actually see in person.  We are sharing real life..........more real than we wanted to know about.  We also share the ups in our lives right in the midst of the downs. 

So, I'm not going to change in how I share my heart, but I am going to change in the way I deal with it.  No more charging through the pain........I'm going to pause, to feel, to feel deeply..........and then let it go.  I am going to celebrate our good news as if it were my own.  I am blessed to share real life with these cyber friends and the in person friends God has brought my way.

I am going to enjoy each moment with my own three and make the most of the time that I get to have my hubby.  Living life and saying yes with each breath...........saying yes to the moment whatever it may hold.  Give your kids a hug and say a prayer for those that would give anything in the world just to hug their babies one more time.

                                                                               
                               Amy

Thursday, January 5, 2012

God Is In the Details

(If you are a reader of our Caring Bridge site, this is also posted there.)

I wonder why I'm still amazed when God speaks so clearly to my heart. Nothing magic has happened since I last posted---cancer's crappiness has not vanished. But God is ever present with His love and grace. He is faithful when I am not.

I am a member if a Wednesday night Bible study group. This week, our reading was from the latter part of Isaiah. I can't even begin to count the times the words of Isaiah have echoed in my heart since January. God reveals Himself in so many ways in Isaiah. He proclaims that He is my redeemer over and over; He let's me know that "his understanding no one can fathom" (good thing since I don't even come close to understanding most things), He let's me know He has called me by name, He tells me I am "precious and honored in his sight", He tells me to stop and wait, He tells me more than once, "Do not be afraid", He says, "I will rescue you", and He reminds me that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. So it's no wonder that over the last several months Isaiah's words have been a comfort to me.

I've known from the beginning if this journey that not one moment of this has taken Him by surprise. I've read the book of Isaiah many times, but as I was rereading today in preparation for our discussion tonight something new caught my attention. I didn't count how many times--I just know it was a lot---that God states some form of 'do not be afraid', 'I am your redeemer', or 'I will rescue you.' All of these have brought me comfort. But what really stood out to me today was that I wouldn't have to be afraid if there was nothing to fear, I wouldn't need a redeemer if redemption was unnecessary, I wouldn't need to be rescued if there was no peril. God knew exactly where I would be at this moment in time and He was already here before I got here. He's got this.........and even better, He knows exactly what 'this' is. Nothing about me or my life or my tangled emotions surprises Him. God knows what each second will bring; He's got it all covered. In John, He let's me know again that life is not always easy ---"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." don't miss the verb tense here......I WILL have trouble, but He HAS ALREADY OVERCOME before I even get there.

Tonight while our group was discussing certain portions of the scripture reading, I discovered something else. In a passage that I've read many times and at least twice in the last week, I found the words of the prayer that I've been praying for the last couple of months. I didn't notice it when reading before class. It's not word for word, you know, because my brain really doesn't tend to speak in the eloquence of the Bible. Just another confirmation from God. You might call it a coincidence, but I think not!

My entire life on earth, much less the past year, wouldn't even be big enough for a blip in a picture of eternity, but God is lovingly in the smallest details of my existence here. I'm probably making no sense to you; oh well.

As if that wasn't enough for one day, it didn't stop there. God has chosen to bless me this year through a very special person in our church family. This person's words have penetrated my heart in a way that I know without a shadow of doubt that they are from the mouth of God. On several occasions this person has been the very arms of God. This person's hugs come straight from the Throne. Tonight was no different. A hug and a whisper in my heart---'Amy, you are not alone. I am here.'

And then when I got home, I received a phone call from a long distance friend. She hadn't read my last entry. She just called because she felt lead to. She talked, she listened, she cried with me, and she gave some very practical insights.

And so my day ended in the company of some of the people who would learn how to repel and join me if I fall off the emotional cliff I'm living on these days. I am blessed.

                                                                                   Much love,
                                                                                        
                                                                    Amy