Squish.....Where Did That Ick Come From?

***A little warning......first.......this is my blog .......it often functions as my therapy.........humor gets me through life......and while "THIS" is not about me, this blog is about me.........if any of those things offend you, click away now.....you’ve been warned........

Second.....this is me, my heart, my thoughts, my struggles. I am far from perfect. I am trying, but I promise you, I fail a lot. This is for my black friends AND my white friends. You are free to comment with your real thoughts, with your real anger  as long as they are directed at me. Do not attack my friends or vent your anger at them on this post! I will delete those comments immediately. Say what you want about and to ME.....unfriend me, hate me, whatever.....just leave my friends out of it. Because, guess what? I have friends that look like me and think like me which means maybe they look and think like you too. But I have been abundantly blessed in this life to have friends that don’t look like me and/or think like me too. I love you all. And because I love you, I will shut down anyone who attacks any of you......I’m the friend mama bear ;)  

Saying yes in the hurting and leaning into the brokenness is not easy or painless......... 

To say that 2020 has been a wild ride is an understatement. And I’m not going to lie, it’s not a fun one.  I have sent 17 sympathy cards this year and should have sent about 5 more.  Most of those were in January and February, before the rest of the madness hit. Grief hangs so heavy over this year! 

Next came Covid-19.......another grief and fear inducing chapter. Not sure if this ‘game’ is over, or if we’re just pausing for half-time entertainment. If Covid is a game and where we find ourselves in America is the half-time show, it so much worse than any Super Bowl halftime I’ve hated in the past. I want to beg someone to pull the plug......but pulling the plug would just turn the lights off and stuff all this crap back into the darkness......what we really need.....what I NEED.....is to shine The Light into all the dark spaces. What I really need, not want, NEED, is to be broken.

Guys, I’m broken....and I want to be broken more because only in MY brokenness can God mold me back together in His image.

This is about to get messy. I’m going to ramble and let my thoughts flow.

Gods word tells me that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  There’s a lot of speaking going on in the world and in my head.  The overflow is beautiful, it’s ugly, it’s filled with hate, and it’s filled with love. As my heart and the hearts of others are squished.....the overflow spews out. Hurting people lash out and hurt others.

Y’all, my black friends are hurting in ways that I can not understand. I don’t know what it’s like to fear for my life and the lives of my kids every day because they go out into a world where there are many people, some of those people in powerful positions, that hate them just because they are black.  Those are real facts. Police that use excessive force, even when its not deadly but especially when it is, are 100% wrong and should be held accountable every single time. I support all of the protests calling for and demanding change. To my black friends if you’re reading this. I’ve learned in situations where people are hurting and grieving that sometimes the best thing that I have to offer is simply to sit with you........to listen to the deep rage and anguish in your heart and not shy away....to just be with you. If that is your place, and you want me there, just say the word.

Five years ago, my oldest son got his driver’s license. Around the same time, the black son of a friend of mine got his license. His mom probably has no idea to the way she opened my eyes as she and I were talking about how much having a teenager drives moms to their knees in prayer. She wasn’t trying to educate me, we were just talking as friends. Her experience of a mom and mine were so similar, yet so different......her fears as her son drove away for the first time and every time after that were my fears PLUS......plus a whole lot of blatant racism layered on top. It was then that I really began to think about and learn about what it means to be black, and young black male in particular, in our society. Since then, I have made it a point to look the black people I encounter in the eyes and offer a smile. A smile that hopefully communicates what words would only make awkward between strangers in passing....a smile that says I see you.....a smile that says I don’t hate you.....a smile that says that I’m glad we’re part of the same world. 

I try, but sometimes I see a person and I am uncomfortable, afraid even.....the smile doesn’t come. Sometimes those people are black. Sometimes they get on an elevator with me, and I hold my purse closer to my body.  Sometimes I meet them walking down the sidewalk or in the mall, and I intentionally change my path to avoid them. Sometimes I see them on the street corner as I’m driving, and I double check that my doors are locked. This week, I have been informed over and over in mostly angry rants from people with black, brown, and white skin that this means I am a racist.

I have a problem with that.......I have been personally attacked and it hurts.

                                Definition of a Racist-a person who believes the doctrine that one’s own racial 

                                                                     group is superior or that a particular racial 

                                                                     group is inferior to others 

I am not a racist. I don’t believe that whites are superior or that blacks or any other color is inferior. You see, while every single one of those scenarios have played out with a black person......they’ve also played out with people with white and brown skin. The skin tone is not the basis of my reaction. My reaction has much more to do with body language, what a person is wearing, the look in their eyes, and the feeling in my gut. I promise, those Shriners on the street corners collecting money get those locks rechecked just as quick as anyone.....they seriously freak me out! 

***Just going to repeat this right here.....my black friends can chew me up one side and down the other....... They are my friends and in that place they have the space to speak to me ........but there better be NO ONE, and I mean not one single person that lashes out at them for who they are or what they say to me***and black friends, please keep reading before you disown me, pretty please with a cherry on top because I really do love ya.

I’m struggling guys, really struggling. I’m asking God to break me and illuminate the ways that I can love better. Because while I am not racist, I have not been anti-racist either. I am heartbroken over the fact that I am sure that I have hurt my black friends at some point with my own words or actions. I am sure that I have missed opportunities to stand shoulder to shoulder with them and call out racism and injustice for what it is. I’ll share one specific time. I was in line at a fast food restaurant with my black friend standing directly and obviously in front of me in line. When the next cashier came open, the man looked at me and said, “I’ll take your order.” I responded, “she’s ahead of me.” And he just repeated, “I’ll take your order.” She laughed and said just go ahead. Looking back, I should have realized this situation for what it was and called him out and stood next to my friend and walked with her out of the store. But we continued on with our meal and she never mentioned it or showed any sort of hurt. But when I think on it, I am completely torn up.....I should have been a better friend. I should have noticed what was right in front of me instead of laughing it off as some clueless fast food employ. Though she never seemed hurt, I know she must have been....and I added to that hurt. I want to do better, and I’m asking God to show me how.

I’m also pro good cop. I back the Blue. I believe there are more good cops than bad. I believe we need to support the good cops and give them ways to call out the bad without putting their own jobs on the line. I believe that the bad  ones should be held accountable for their actions. I believe that cop behavior should be above reproach. I believe that cops in general, not all, need to get off of their power trips every single day.  There's no reason to be a jerk when you make a traffic stop or approach a group of teenagers (and yes, even white people experience these on a regular basis). But I also believe that as citizens we can all do our part to be respectful.  I have friends that are cops and friends whose spouses are cops. I love them, and I support them. Blue lives do matter.....they mattered to me before this current situation started......I won't change or step away from that. These men and women put their lives on the line for us day in and day out. If we want to talk numbers, there are way more cops killed in the line of duty than there are cops killing people. They will ALWAYS have my support. Don’t bash and trash my good cop friends!

The media is going to make sure that we know for a fact that there are black criminals who are looting, rioting, and killing....guess what? There are white criminals working right along side of them.  Some of these individuals are actually doing this as part of a protest, but many are simply taking advantage of a situation to be the criminals that they are and have been every day.  I don't agree with or condone this violent behavior, but I'd rather focus on the bigger group of protesters out there that are doing so lawfully and simply demanding to be heard.......I respect these people.  I can't begin to understand all that is in their hearts and minds. It's about cops killing black people, but it's about so much more than that. Don't ask me what.....I already fulling admitted that I don't know or understand the details. 

The messages I get are confusing. Silence is bad.....but saying too much, too little, too soon or too late is also bad.....I have somehow managed to do all of these according to my varied critics. I know I'm not alone in this, and while it is frustrating, I'm not looking for anyone to fix it either. I have questions. I am reading things that sometimes answer those questions, sometimes create more questions, and always on some level make me uncomfortable. I understand the sentiment that whites should not ask blacks to educate them because of the emotional work that takes of blacks.  I remember the exhaustion of trying to explain a cancer diagnosis when I could barely speak the word cancer.  I remember the way talking about it broke my heart a little more each time. It's the reason that people like me with a medical crisis set up Caring Bridge pages to share informations.......you just don't have it in you to repeat it over and over. So I understand this weariness.  And I understand that it doesn't matter that my daughter is doing well--when a child dies from cancer, the emotional hit is huge because they are family, even it I have never met them....they are my people. I imagine it is the same for my black friends. But I also know that in order for other people to join you in the fight for change, there comes a point and time that you must do the educating. I will say that the emotional toll never gets easier. I have seasons where childhood cancer advocacy is something I am actively involved in, but then I have seasons where I retreat from the frontline the regain some emotional balance.   So some of my questions will go unanswered until my black friends are ready to answer. If you are trying and taking baby steps towards being a more loving and kind person or organization, please don't let those who come at you with complaints of 'not doing it right or enough' deter you.  Keep taking those baby steps. Keep growing and becoming better humans and organizations.

I'm frustrated with my white friends too. I see their posts, and frankly agree with the sentiment in many of them........what about the black on black crime........what about the white kid killed by the cops.....all lives matter.......etc.......etc......etc.  And I have to ask why? Why are you posting these things that you KNOW are inflammatory? Why kick someone when they are down? Why add fuel to the fire? Are these posts doing any good to anyone? How are any of these helping anyone? Are you just trying to stir the pot? These are issues that need to be addressed, but bringing them up right now serves no good purpose.  Trust me, I get it. I just cringe every time I see one. If the goal is loving one another and bringing unity, I just feel like this is not the way. 

I don't have all the answers......shoot, I don't really have any answers. This is an issue so deep rooted and complex, that there is no easy fix. I believe that it's going to take generations. I think it's important to keep having conversations with my kids. I believe my actions speak a lot louder than any words I might say. At the end of the day, this is my direction....it won't lead me astray......

            Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your 

             soul and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.’

Neighbors......black ones, brown ones, yellow ones, white ones, and purple polka-dotted ones, rioters in the street, cops in uniform........I will fail lots and lots, but I’m trying to succeed more and more each day to love you as He loves you which is a whole lot better than anything this world has to offer. 

                                                                                                   Blessings,

                                                                                                        Amy

Where Are You God

****i am not a pastor or a biblical scholar.....i’m just a ordinary girl stumbling my way towards heaven...these are the ramblings of my heart this morning*** 

It’s Easter Sunday. From this side of history and in the church, I think we’ve (me included) have lost the enormity of this story. It’s easy to do that when you know the rest of the story. It’s easy to skip over the despair of Friday and the grief of Saturday because we know that Sunday is coming. And let’s be honest, our entire lives have been lived in a ‘post Sunday’ world.

We could go back to Friday because even Jesus asked of God, “my God why have you forsaken me?” There’s not a clearer way to ask, ‘where are you God?’ But, it’s Sunday, and God has my heart in Sunday. Here’s where I am......Matthew 28:5-8.

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

It’s 4 verses. How quickly did you read them? How many of you in your mind were more.....yada, yada, yada, go, there’s Jesus, tell the disciples, and get on with the story. It’s so easy to do that in this ‘post Sunday’ world. But let’s look at some more details given in Mark 16:1-8

When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”

But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

This is the part we skip. These women were friends of Jesus. They were at the tomb to mourn and take care of the body of their friend. I can put myself here. I can imagine leaving my home early in the morning......after not having gone to sleep at all. I can feel the heaviness of each slow step towards the grave. I feel the nervousness and dread....how we will move the stone?......I don’t want to do this.......I will do this for my friend......How is it even possible that I am here?.....the list goes on and on. I feel the weight of the 2 days of questioning, “Where are you God? This is not how this was supposed to go.”

Then they are quickly overwhelmed with facts that don’t make sense......OVERWHELMED!  The stone has already been rolled away......the body is gone....there is a man, an angel, an I don’t know what saying not to be afraid.......we’ll, darn it, I am afraid because I have no idea what has happened, and I can’t make any sense of what is before me. Where.Are.You.God????? Mark tells us that they were trembling and fled the tomb. This I totally get! I think that bewildered is a mild term to describe what they must have been feeling. 

How long was it before they were able to move through their fear enough to tell Peter and the disciples? When they told them, was it a story of faith.....’Guys, he rose from the dead just like he said he would! The tomb is empty; we will see him soon.’.......or was it clouded with fear, with doubt, with uncertainty.......’Peter....his body is gone....I don’t know where or how....there’s a guy there that says he has risen....but it was strange and scary and maybe he just stole the body and lied to us.....Peter, how can this be?.....where is God?.....Peter, he is alive....Jesus is alive!’

On this side of Sunday, it is easy to embrace the truth and the power of the resurrection........but am I really? Herein lies the real question for me. On this Easter Sunday in 2020, I find myself in a place and a world of uncertainty. In every way the world measures, we are in a mess.......massive amounts of people are dying each day, the world economy is in shambles, people are afraid of everything, heck, we can’t even find any toilet paper. Where is God in all this? With all this uncertainty and whatever plans I thought God had put before me wiped away.....am I embracing the truth and the power of my resurrected Jesus or am I stuck, unable to move, trembling in my fear? The honest truth is that it depends on the moment. Too often when I don't see God or He does not seem to be who I want him to be or act as I want him to act, I find myself 'trembling and bewildered' and doing nothing 'because I am afraid.' My God is unshakable, my faith is secure........but dang if fears don’t try to test that on a regular basis!

I don’t have it all figured out.....I don’t even have a small fraction of it figured out! But I do know that my God is bigger than whatever small glimpse I see before me. I know that at the end of this blip we call life, there is eternity with Him because of Easter. Jesus made sure of that. And while I feel like God often shakes his head, He is faithful to hold me through my fears and to fill my soul with peace. God is there to remind me of the victory of this Sunday.  In the words given to my good friend Brad on this Easter Sunday, “Let go of the fear and embrace the faith.”

Where are you God? Closer than my next breath......thank you, Jesus!

Be blessed friends!
                                            Amy 

When Saying Yes Feels A Whole Lot Like Saying No

It’s been awhile…………a really long while.  So, hey people of the interwebs; welcome back to my ramblings.

I don’t know where this is really going; I just know that the title has been floating around in my head for a few days.  I’ve been resistant to come back here. I don’t know why. March 2020 will definitely be a month to remember. If I’m around long enough to see it, it will be interesting to see how the history books describe this time in our lives. This is week 3 of being fully at home for me. Week 1 was actually nice and very productive. I got rid of a huge load of junk that’s been needing to go for a long time, we donated our oversized, over-loved couch, and I reclaimed the junk room of the house to make room for the hubs to have a space with a home office. Week 2 was absolutely not productive other than cooking so many meals. Then there was Saturday…….Saturday is when this all really seemed to hit everyone in our house. We were snippy with each other, and I just wanted to sleep the day away. This week is a mixed bag.

But y’all, I’ve been here before. I experienced life being yanked out from under me. I’ve experienced a cleared calendar. I’ve experienced isolation. I’ve experienced the fear of every surface carrying the germ that could kill my family member. Only last time it was much more shocking……one day we were fine, the next our world was shaken to the foundation.  And it was different because, while my world was shattered, everyone else’s world kept right on moving along.  This time was like a slow rumble, life slowing changing, and then finally recognizing that life had indeed been slowly yanked from under me again. This time the whole world has come to a stand still.  We’re all in this one together. Can I tell you how thankful I am that this life is not accompanied by the beeping of an IV or the quiet steps of a nurse at 2am? But at the same time, I long for that bubble of security which is lacking in this new world we are living in.  ----and let’s just take a moment right here to stop and really pray for those nurses who are still showing up at 2am to take care of their patients….most of the time without the protective equipment they need to keep themselves and their own families safe. ----Back in 2011, life taught me more than a few lessons.  So, I’m going to use this post to remind myself and maybe give you a head start on the learning.

Saying yes to this is really not a choice because we never got asked.  And this yes definitely feels like a big fat NO……..no sports, no school, no hang time with friends, no leisure shopping, no visiting family, no…..no……no!

But there is a yes, and it’s beautiful.  God is in the yes……Yes, I was here, am here, and am already in tomorrow.  I started an online journal with this in 2011 and still feel this exact same way in today……..”It scares me when I think of the days that are going to be so much worse.  I'm honestly not sure how I will cope, I just know that God is rarely early, but never late, and that He will be there to hold me up.”

When my world shattered in 2011 and all that was left was my foundation, I found it to be firm, unmoved, and solid in a way I had not understood before. And here I am again………with a faithful and unchanging God that still holds me in the palm of His hand. As I scroll through social media, I see signs and chalk drawings boldly proclaiming that “Everything will be alright.” And I simply shake my head.  I love the sentiment, but I know from experience that everything will not be alright, at least not this side of Heaven. It will not be alright when someone you love, or even someone that you just casually know, dies. I’ll be brutally honest here…..what if I die? Will that be alright? What if one of my family dies? Will that be alright? No, no it absolutely will not be alright this side of Heaven! I remember grappling with the fact that my daughter could die from cancer. So many well-intentioned folks told me ‘not to go there’ and ‘not to even speak those words’. But God knows me better than I know myself and was gentle with me through the struggle. He’s gentle with me now. I am a person that ‘has to go there’ in order to get to the place where God wants me to be…..at His feet. What I know deep, deep in my soul is that God is Good.  He’s good when I get the answer to my prayers that I long for, but I’m here to proclaim to you that He is Good, even better than good, when my prayers seem to go unanswered, when the answer is no, when my world that I thought couldn't shatter anymore somehow does…..He is Good. I have no idea how I can survive a worst-case scenario, but God does. And I choose to trust that He is already in my tomorrows. So I will give the future to Him…………….and then I’ll snatch it back with fear and worry………..and then I’ll give it to Him again. And then I’ll repeat the process over and over again with my Father who loves me immeasurably more than I can ever possibly imagine.

The 2011 version of Amy was wiser than she knew. Her words are a great comfort to me now. So I’ll leave you with these thoughts from January 24, 2011, just 9 days after the world as I knew it was changed forever…..

         “I am focusing right now on John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Grief and sadness may be my partner for the moment, but I choose to live life, not just to get by, but in the FULLNESS that Christ paid the price for.  There are things and experiences that keep being stolen from each member of this family.  I refuse to live with the thief though, and we will choose to walk in the Light and His joy.  So pray for me tomorrow because it won't be easy, but when you pray, don't forget to thank Him also for this opportunity to walk the path that He has laid before me.  It is a blessing to be me today!  Even if it doesn't look like it or feel like it on the surface---I am blessed beyond measure and held in the palm of His hand.  Deep, deep in my soul there is a peace that I have never felt before and a joy so profound that I can't even begin to give it words.”

Thanks 2011 Amy!

It's Been 1309 Days....Time to Blog Again?

This is so strange to me......why do I do this?  Two posts ago was titled "You Know It's Been a Long Time When"......I just read it.  When I posted that, it had been just over 1,300 days since I had posted before.  I managed one more post.  Then I guess I decided to wait another 1,309 days to post again.  I guess some things never change.  I would promise to do better, but I hate to break promises.  My track record says that I may post the blog I already have typed up and then wait another 1,300 days to attempt to do it again.

I had no idea what email I used to set this blog up. It only took me about 30 minutes and 40 Google verification codes to my phone to finally get back in here.  Seems I really should know better by now.

Oh well, I updated the family info section because I am no longer 30 something......M is no longer 16........K is no longer 11 (and since the boys are only 2 years apart it means at some point I managed to update M's age without updating K's or D's--weird)........D is no longer 8.

Here's where we are now......
I'm still hanging on to being a 40-something.
C and I have been married almost 26 years.
M is 21, has graduated from college, and is a real adult with a real job now.......strange I tell you!
K is 19 and a senior in college.
D is 16 and a junior in high school.

How in the world did my kids get so grown up????? There are moments when I miss them being younger, but over all, I really, really enjoy these adults that they've grown up to be! We don't quite have an empty nest, but that's just around the corner.  And though I know that I will be a mess when D spreads her wings and flies, I am also looking forward to having C all to myself again. 

So much life has happened since I last clicked the keyboard here.  Maybe I'll dig into the recesses of my mind and blog in hindsight about that, maybe not. All I really know if that for the last 3-4 days, God has rattled the title and some content of the blog I will post after this one around in my heart and my mind.  It didn't turn out how I thought it would, but hopefully that just means there's less of me and more of Him.

If there's anyone actually reading this, Hey, it's nice to see you again.

                                           Amy

A Season of Change

I never really to the time to be thankful for the stability in our lives or realized how much I truly loved it until the past few months when my little pocket of the world started to shift......some small little tilts and a couple of seemingly gigantic drops and turns.  

Ecclesiastes 3 tells me "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
     a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot,
     a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build,
     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,
     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
     a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away,
     a time to tear and a time to mend,
     a time to be silent and a time to speak,
     a time to love and a time to hate,
     a time for war and a time for peace."


I know it's true, but I'm not so good with change. 

The biggest, most obvious change around here is that M is gone.  There's an M sized hole that exists right now.  Our family space in this place we call home has been forever altered.  That almost sounds too dramatic a statement to make about a child that has 'just gone to college'.  Trust me, I hear it all the time.  And yes, at some point, he will make it back to this house, and he will sleep in his bed...........but I will tell you this, it will never be the same again.  I simply don't have words for what it feels like for this mama to have a son in college.  It's a bit different for me because of the whole homeschooling factor.  I never chose to homeschool my kids to completely separate them from the world.  That was never how our homeschool operated anyway.  But, especially for me with M because he was and always will be the first, every step he took and achievement he got was also mine.....when he graduated from elementary to middle school, his teacher did too.......then on to high school, and his teacher got to go there too.......seriously, I think that I was more excited and relieved than he was when his college acceptance letters started arriving.  You have no idea what stress was lifted from the shoulders of this mama/teacher/principal/school counselor when there was proof written in black and white that I hadn't managed to screw this whole homeschool thing up!  But now things have changed......he's off to college, but I am not.  I am so excited for him!!!  But it's so strange to be left behind.........to go from a front row seat, to the nose-bleed section.....headed for just reading about the whole experience in the newspaper.  That part is a bit different for me than for traditionally schooling moms.  I'm actually ok with that part.  He's been pretty much on his own as a dual enrolled college student for a couple of years anyway.  What I haven't quite adjusted to is the the simple fact that I miss him.  I really like him as a person.  I miss him showing up in my room late at night to chat; I hate that he won't be texting, "mom, you want to join me for lunch?"  It hurts my heart to know that I may, in fact, never get that text again.  I don't know what the future holds, but I know that it will never again be like it was just a few short weeks ago when all three of my kids slept in their beds in my house just about every night.  When he does make it home, it will be to visit............and he will be different.  He won't be the teen that left my house.  He will be the man that he is becoming every moment of every day.  I'll always be his mom, and he'll always be my baby......but it's all too clear to me that it will never be the same again.  So I've given myself permission to mourn that that season of my life is over.  That doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to the seasons that are ahead.....just giving myself permission to remember and acknowledge what was and that it's ok, maybe even great, that I loved it so much that I miss it terribly.

Yes, this is definitely a season of change around here.  Maybe I'll write about some other of those changes soon. For now, I'm going to sleep.


                                                                                  Amy

You Know It's Been Too Long When....

Well, I guess I just took an unintended 3 1/2 year break from this old blog.  Really, I have no idea what it was that made me step away...........probably more of a drift that just kept drifting.  Whatever the case, about a month ago I got the itch to put some words on the screen again.  Yes, it has taken me a month to get back here even after I had the desire to do so.  I've got issues!  And finally, tonight, for whatever reason, I was determined to make it back.  You see, a couple of times in the last month, I'm made attempts to get back here.  But it seems that when you can't remember the email address associated with your blog log in, it can be a bit difficult to figure out how to get back in.  Issues.....remember.  So tonight, I decided I was going to dig through my 'keeps' folder in the filing cabinet with the hopes that at some point in the past I was smart enough to write down my login information somewhere.  It took awhile, but I did finally find a crunched up piece of paper with the info I needed to get me back here.........so here I am.

I did read the last post I wrote so very long ago, but not the ones before.  So I'm going to do a VERY quick, like shorter than Reader's Digest quick, very boring summary of where I find myself today....
We'll start with the whole "Meet the Family" section. What is says about me is still true, though we've been married now for 22 years......seriously, a lifetime, how did that happen????  And I have had a few birthdays and am now 40-something.  C is still as amazing as he has always been, just a little more 'distinguished' with the hair if you know what I mean.  M, oh my M, he's---GULP---18 now.  He grew up to be this amazing tech genius, and he's left me for this foreign land he calls college.  That whole process is what really kicked up my need to get some feelings out here, so I'm sure you'll hear more about it soon.  K is still stuck in the middle, He's almost 16 now and is confidently driving me everywhere with his learner's permit. He still loves sports, especially soccer.  And D is still my baby girl; she's just all grown up and 13 years old now.  She took her last chemo pills on May 20, 2013.  I'm sure that her journey which is also my journey will be discussed here as well......really, it's thoughts about that part of my life that have partially brought me back here too.

My last post here was on January 20, 2013.....that was 1,324 days ago.  I'm not the same person as I was then----shocker!!!  The changes have been good and bad I suppose. I guess we'll all see those revealed as these words go from my fingers to the screen.  One thing I am certain of is that my God has not changed in those days that have passed...........He is ever faithful to be exactly who He has always said He is and will be......me, not so much.  But I still want to say yes, so here I am.  Hopefully posting a little more regularly than every 3 1/2 years of so :)


                                                                                       Amy

One Step Closer To What?

And now, on to the post that I thought I was writing a couple of minutes ago.....unless, of course, God has something else I mind:)

Each day of my sweet girl's treatment for cancer has been marked off of the calendar with gratitude that we survived that day.  That hasn't changed, but over the last month something has changed.  For so long, I have repeated to myself, "We're one step closer.". It's a true statement, but as I have finally begun to see the end of treatment in the not so distant future another question has come.  One step closer to what?  I remember back at the beginning telling people that I just couldn't wrap my brain around 2 1/2 years of treatment.  So we took it one day at a time, one treatment phase at a time.  Now here I sit with only 4 months of treatment left , and I marvel that we have made it to the point that I can see that endpoint at all.  It seemed so far away 2 years ago, but now it's rapidly approaching.

And now the question comes......one step closer to what?  Well, one thing is obvious; one step closer to no more daily chemo.  What most people assume is that that brings with it great excitement and a feeling of conquering the beast we know as cancer.  And there is some of that for sure.  One step closer to being cured.  But the backdrop is what no cancer mom wants to talk about because it is perhaps our biggest fear.......relapse.  Are we one step closer to a cure or one step closer to relapse.......the question, one step closer to what?  The truth is that only time will tell because no one on earth knows the answer to that question.  The truth is that you start this journey with only one thought in mind....cure.  But somewhere along the way your are met with the reality that relapse is a very real possibility.

Now I know what many well meaning people will say at this point.  You must think positive!  Most kids do NOT relapse.  Eighty percent, in fact, never hear the word leukemia again.  I'm a pretty positive person, but I'm also a numbers girl and a realist.  Here's what I would tell you about 80%.......80% means that 1in 5 kids WILL, in fact, relapse.  That doesn't sound quite as good.  I'll also let you know that well less than 1% of kids will ever have cancer in the first place, and I've already been faced with experiencing that 1%.  Which means that facing 20% seems all that more likely to me.

So back to the question that is rattling around my brain.....one step closer to what?  If I'm talking cure or relapse, I honestly don't know the answer.  But this question is way bigger than cancer.  One step closer to.........Jesus or Satan?  Now you might think that is a bit dramatic, but I believe it's always one or the other........harsh but true.  What I've learned is that each steps take has significance here; each choice I make matters.  And then there's the truth that points to peace and makes all the other questions pale in comparison.  THE answer........one step closer to what?........Heaven and the arms of my Savior.  Between here and there will be either cure or relapse, or perhaps both.  But the destination will not change.........each and every step in every one of my days brings me one step closer to Heaven.  Thank you Jesus!

                                                Amy

                                                       Amy

My Excursion

Life is a journey.........most often a journey filled with many ups and downs, twists and turns.  I've begun to think of this life as a trip through this place that is my temporary home.  This trip has many different excursions; you know, those delightful little trips that you take while on a trip to see or experience a little of what the area has to offer.  Some of these excursions last for a day,some for a season, some for years, and others that span my entire lifetime.

For the past two years, I've been on what I thought was a little side trip through pediatric cancer.  Some days the truth of that is still hard to grasp......my precious daughter has cancer.  How is that even possible???  Kids aren't supposed to get cancer, and especially, my kid is not supposed to get cancer.  Pediatric cancer is something that should happen only in the St. Jude Hospital commercial;  it's something that happens to "them", not to "real" people, and certainly not to my daughter!
But then I look no further than my kitchen counter, and I see the evidence of reality in the bottles of chemo pills lined up and the medicine calendar waiting to be checked off.  And I am forced to acknowledge that this is my reality.  And with that present reality comes the realization that, for me, this is no little side trip that will soon come to an end; this is also my future.  This is a part of the world that I will never choose to leave.  This is a little gift.....a place to seek and to share the God I love......not just for this day, but for all the days I have left on my journey through this temporary home.  God has woven a love for these kids and their families into my heart, especially for their moms and their siblings. I don't know what that looks like in the future for me, and just know without a doubt that I won't ever be leaving this part of this world because the love it too deep and too wide to deminish this side of Heaven.

This is not the post that I set out to write this morning, but I guess it was the post that god had for me for this moment.  It's a gentle reminder of His call, met with a whisper from my heart......yes, Lord.
                                                                   
                                                            Amy

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from one of my pastors.  It seems that another member of our congregation had told him that I might be a good person to ask to share a part of my faith story.  To be honest, when I read the email, I quickly clicked away and told myself it was probably intended for C.  But God wouldn't let it go at that.  So about 1am under the influence of codeine laced cough syrup, I sent an email that said yes, I am willing to share.   I had to say yes before my mind had time to think of all the reasons to say no.

Then, on December 23, I found myself standing in our sanctuary speaking about how the Prince of Peace has been active in my life in the last two years.  Some intersting things happened in my heart there at that microphone, but those are stories for another day.  For now, here is some semblence of what I shared with my church congregation.  We have 4 different services every Sunday morning; I spoke at each one.  These words are some combination of the things I said at the four services, at least as I remember them. 

I am not a gifted public speaker.  I am here because I know the Prince of Peace.  I asked Jesus to be my Savior 32 years ago.

 

Many of you are familiar with my family's story over the last two years, some of you have been a part of our story with your prayers and other gifts, but some of you are not. So I'll start at the beginning. On January 14, 2011 around 11pm I left my house with my 7 year old daughter, D, and headed to the ER. I took a change of clothes for both of us, my cell phone charger, and my Bible. I remember every moment of the drive on the icy roads. We arrived just before midnight. By 12:30, I was standing in the hallway of the ER hearing the doctor say, "You're daughter has leukemia. That's cancer. Are you ok?" My immediate response was, "Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday, and He'll still be the same tomorrow. I should probably call my husband.". I called C. I have no idea what I told him. It really didn't matter; he'd already hit google with her preliminary blood work info and pretty much knew what the diagnosis was going to be. Our entire conversation took less than 30 seconds. Then I started to go back into D's treatment room. The doctor stopped me. She was sure I was suffering from shock. They wanted me to sit, to eat a cracker, to have some juice…..really just to react in what they deemed an appropriate manner.  They took my blood pressure. I had never been so calm in my life. I'm going to let you in on a little secret......as I merged from 575 onto 75 on the way to the hospital, I heard a voice say, "She has leukemia.". You see, God's better than Google; He didn't need any info from the doc to get the diagnosis right. I was not in shock; I was in peace. John 14:26-27 says "But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.". This is Jesus speaking; this is His promise. The story I just told you is of me living that promise. 32 years is a long time to hear God's truth over and over. The Holy Spirit was faithful in reminding me of what I knew to be true......Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday, and He'll be the same tomorrow. This truth brought me the peace that Jesus promised.

 

 

The same Bible that went to the ER with me that night stayed with me going home and back to the hospital many times over the next 6 months, but I didn't open it. Not even once. The only scripture that I physically read was that on notes and cards from friends and the many placed around my house by a friend. But the Holy Spirit was very faithful to remind me of all that Jesus said. I didn't read the Bible as I usually would because the Spirit was so very clear. In many ways, I wish that I could go back and stay in that time. God was so very close in a way I had never experienced before.  Cancer has given me more than it can ever take away.

 

 

But time goes on, and I am human. And that closeness diminished. Many of you have experience with cancer, and you know that at times it seems like you have more bad days than good. In one of those times God lead me to the 16th chapter of John and these words from verse 33. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." This is His reminder that He has overcome whatever I will have to face. And in that reminder, He once again offers peace. This is a verse that I still often cling to on most days.  There is nothing I will face today that He hasn’t already overcome, and there is nothing that the doctors can tell me next month that He hasn’t already overcome.

 

 

When I did pick up my Bible again, I went to the Old Testament. That's always my go-to place. I need the unending love and power of God the Father that I read about there. One day I found myself reading in the book of Isaiah. I read these words, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal." (26:3-4). I read and reread these scriptures for days. And I prayed that God would help me to keep my mind steadfast and trust in Him. He had shown me that was the key to real peace. And during this time, while snuggling in her bed watching a movie one afternoon, D looked me in the eye and asked, "Mommy, is leukemia going to kill me?". As much as I wanted to tell her NO!, I didn’t because I had promised that I would never lie to her.  I looked back at her filled with a perfect peace and told her the truth. "It might, but dying here on earth simply means you get to start living in Heaven sooner."  Her response was short, "I guess Heaven's not such a bad option" and she returned to watching the movie. As tears ran down my cheek, I thanked God for His peace, for keeping my mind steadfast and my trust intact, and for being the Rock eternal as Isaiah said.  When your daughter asks if she is going to die, eternity becomes really important.  God is faithful even then.

 

 

I'm far from perfect. I still fall into fearing for myself and for D. But the Spirit is still faithful in reminding me of the promises of Jesus. And Jesus is still in the business of giving peace......yesterday, today, and forever.

There is great blessing in saying yes.............I'm so glad that I did.

                                                                Amy

God is Bigger Than My Questions

Two days ago I heard some news that maybe really shouldn't have effected me so much...........but it did.  A sweet little two year old that has been through so much in her short life was once again thrown back to the front line in the war for her life.  As I type, doctors--experts in the field--are trying to come up with a plan to wage this fight again.  And so, the questions come...........the big ones.........the ones that I don't have answers to or the answers I do have are just not very satisfying........

Where is God?  Why is this happening to this little girl..........AGAIN?  What is the purpose?  WHY, WHY, WHY????????

God is right here.......I know that.........I feel that..........I believe that with everything in me.  But that in no way takes away the pain.  I can come up with reasons why and give this situation purpose in human terms, but those are shallow at best..........and they do nothing to make me feel better.  And so, I am left with the question, why?  and the answer...I DON'T KNOW!  I'll be honest...........I would really like to know why these things happen.  But God knows that I don't need to know.........heck, I probably wouldn't even understand if He spelled it out for me.  He promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.............He does not promise that all things work together to make Amy feel like it is good for her or so that Amy can clearly see that it is good.

And then just to up the trust meter a little bit, the following story broke nationwide yesterday..........http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/critical-shortage-childrens-leukemia-drug/story?id=15557922  A drug that every expert in the country says that my baby girl needs to kick leukemia's butt may not be available when she needs it.  That terrifies me and makes me more than a little bit angry!  They value a HUGE profit more than they value life........life with what most of us would consider a nice enough profit anyway.  It's frustrating!  But like I said on our caring bridge site........God can heal my girl with or without methotrexate........I know that; I believe that..........................now I must choose to LIVE that.

God never promised an easy life here (in fact, pretty much the opposite), but He did promise never to leave me.  I am thankful.

And on a side note, if any of you want to 'key' to our caringbridge site, please leave a comment here, and I'll think about letting you in ;)

                                                                                       Amy

Feeling Deeply

The last 10 days have been hard for me emotionally.  And for the last 10 days I have been doing my best to keep moving through the pain.  But today, I just really felt lead to slow down and even stop and to just feel it all........feel it deeply..........and hopefully to let it go.  Over the last week I have said "see you on the other side" to 11 kids ranging in age from 2-13.........way too young to pass.  I hate what cancer does to our children!!!!  In addition to that, several that are in the midst of the fight have recieved not so good news........and that hurts too.  I don't know, it just seems like for every one bit of good news, there have been 4 or 5 bits of bad news.  Most of these friends are of the online variety with just a few 'real life' ones thrown in.  I have been advised to 'step away from the computer' by some who I know just want things to be easier for me.  But there is a firmer, more consistent voice in my heart that says that this is where He is sending me..........to feel their hurt and share their burdens.  I may 'only get to type on a keyboard' but it is what I am called to do.  Their names are on my heart in constant prayer..........they feel much closer to me than most of the the people I actually see in person.  We are sharing real life..........more real than we wanted to know about.  We also share the ups in our lives right in the midst of the downs. 

So, I'm not going to change in how I share my heart, but I am going to change in the way I deal with it.  No more charging through the pain........I'm going to pause, to feel, to feel deeply..........and then let it go.  I am going to celebrate our good news as if it were my own.  I am blessed to share real life with these cyber friends and the in person friends God has brought my way.

I am going to enjoy each moment with my own three and make the most of the time that I get to have my hubby.  Living life and saying yes with each breath...........saying yes to the moment whatever it may hold.  Give your kids a hug and say a prayer for those that would give anything in the world just to hug their babies one more time.

                                                                               

                               Amy

God Is In the Details

(If you are a reader of our Caring Bridge site, this is also posted there.)

I wonder why I'm still amazed when God speaks so clearly to my heart. Nothing magic has happened since I last posted---cancer's crappiness has not vanished. But God is ever present with His love and grace. He is faithful when I am not.

I am a member if a Wednesday night Bible study group. This week, our reading was from the latter part of Isaiah. I can't even begin to count the times the words of Isaiah have echoed in my heart since January. God reveals Himself in so many ways in Isaiah. He proclaims that He is my redeemer over and over; He let's me know that "his understanding no one can fathom" (good thing since I don't even come close to understanding most things), He let's me know He has called me by name, He tells me I am "precious and honored in his sight", He tells me to stop and wait, He tells me more than once, "Do not be afraid", He says, "I will rescue you", and He reminds me that His ways and thoughts are higher than mine. So it's no wonder that over the last several months Isaiah's words have been a comfort to me.

I've known from the beginning if this journey that not one moment of this has taken Him by surprise. I've read the book of Isaiah many times, but as I was rereading today in preparation for our discussion tonight something new caught my attention. I didn't count how many times--I just know it was a lot---that God states some form of 'do not be afraid', 'I am your redeemer', or 'I will rescue you.' All of these have brought me comfort. But what really stood out to me today was that I wouldn't have to be afraid if there was nothing to fear, I wouldn't need a redeemer if redemption was unnecessary, I wouldn't need to be rescued if there was no peril. God knew exactly where I would be at this moment in time and He was already here before I got here. He's got this.........and even better, He knows exactly what 'this' is. Nothing about me or my life or my tangled emotions surprises Him. God knows what each second will bring; He's got it all covered. In John, He let's me know again that life is not always easy ---"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." don't miss the verb tense here......I WILL have trouble, but He HAS ALREADY OVERCOME before I even get there.

Tonight while our group was discussing certain portions of the scripture reading, I discovered something else. In a passage that I've read many times and at least twice in the last week, I found the words of the prayer that I've been praying for the last couple of months. I didn't notice it when reading before class. It's not word for word, you know, because my brain really doesn't tend to speak in the eloquence of the Bible. Just another confirmation from God. You might call it a coincidence, but I think not!

My entire life on earth, much less the past year, wouldn't even be big enough for a blip in a picture of eternity, but God is lovingly in the smallest details of my existence here. I'm probably making no sense to you; oh well.

As if that wasn't enough for one day, it didn't stop there. God has chosen to bless me this year through a very special person in our church family. This person's words have penetrated my heart in a way that I know without a shadow of doubt that they are from the mouth of God. On several occasions this person has been the very arms of God. This person's hugs come straight from the Throne. Tonight was no different. A hug and a whisper in my heart---'Amy, you are not alone. I am here.'

And then when I got home, I received a phone call from a long distance friend. She hadn't read my last entry. She just called because she felt lead to. She talked, she listened, she cried with me, and she gave some very practical insights.

And so my day ended in the company of some of the people who would learn how to repel and join me if I fall off the emotional cliff I'm living on these days. I am blessed.

                                                                                   Much love,
                                                                                        

                                                                    Amy

2011

“I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.” John 12:46

I'll just go ahead and state up front that if I had been able to look into the future and see what 2011 was going to hold for me, I would have been  pleading with God, "No, no, no!!!!!!"  There would have been no, "Yes, Lord" from me.  That's just one of the many reasons that I am glad that I can't see all that God sees.  What I do know without a doubt is that God was not surprised by anything that happened in 2011!

When I look back on my journals from 2011, it often feels like I am reading about someone else's life.  Yet, so much of it seems like it just happened a few minutes ago as well.  I'm putting pictures of Miss D from throughout the year in this blog of remembering.  It's not that I have forgotten that I have two other children; it just that for me (and this is my blog after all) I see 2011 reflected in her eyes.....sometimes with great happiness,  sometimes with great pain, but always with a smile that is only the result of the joy of the Lord.  Miss D has taught me over and over this year exactly how to say, "Yes, Lord."

December 2010.....1 month before life changed forever.

This first picture was taken in December of 2010...........back when our schedule was full of all sorts of 'good' things.  I was a master of saying , "Yes".

Just 4 days before diagnosis.

Then we have the picture from just a few short days before cancer entered our worlds.  I remember loving those days because we had a ton of snow on the ground (for the Southeast at least), the world was pretty quiet, and I was 'forced' to stay home and enjoy being with my kids.  We decided to build an igloo.......Miss D really just wanted to stay in and sit on the couch.  I wouldn't let her.   How could I have know that a beast was quickly invading her body and trying to snuff our her life?  I've scoured the pictures for any signs that I missed; I've asked friends who saw us during these days if they suspected anything; I've cried more than a few tears.  But God in His loving care, has shown me that He was all too aware and had every moment covered with His Hand.

Then my perfect little world, with my happy little family and my filled to the brim schedule shattered at the moment the words were uttered........."Your daughter has a blood cancer called leukemia.  I've called the pediatric oncologist, and he is on his way."  This is what I wrote about it at the time......

Then she stood there looking at me; I can only imagine the emotions running across my face. My world was shaken to its very foundation. I remember her asking if I was okay. My response came from deep within my soul…….”God is still the same God today that He was yesterday, and He’ll still be the same tomorrow. I need to call my husband and get back to my little girl.” I know she thought I was losing it, but I wasn’t. I had just found rock bottom and knew that it was solid ground.

4 days post diagnosis

Do you know what happens when your life is altered so?  Everything, and I mean everything, suddenly finds its proper place on the priorty list.  This is the gift that cancer gave me from the very beginning.  My schedule was very suddenly cleared of everything that didn't truly matter.  Yes, Lord.  Your schedule is by far superior to mine!

February 2011

I remember this day like it was yesterday.  It was Valentine's Day.  It was a clinic day for D.  She had 4 chemos injected into her body that morning.  Then we came home to the most glorious day.  She and I sat outside on the porch swing and talked about Heaven.  We took tons of pictures of each other and together.

March 2011

 The days, the weeks, and the months passed by........sometimes fast, but more often they were slow.

April 2011

May 2011

These moments taught me a lot about living and loving.  I sadly said goodbye to some friendships that couldn't handle this disease and what it brought to our lives.  But I also discovered some very sweet friendships of the eternal variety.  The friends that God sends to walk through the valley with you are the best.  Some of them I knew on the mountain top before, and some of them I met in the valley with me.  They are all precious........they are the gifts that God brought to me in this time and this place to have for eternity.

June 2011

The summer brought scheduled hosptial time.......which God so graciously took and made special time with each of my children.  My boys took turns staying with D and I in the hospital.  Our family relationships were completely changed and enriched by the experience.

July 2011

August 2011 Happy birthdday sweet girl!

Miss D and Mr. M also had birthdays in the summer.  It was a sweet time of celebrating life.  It was also one of the hardest days for me emotionally.  God and I had several heart wrenching conversations during those weeks.

September 2011

October 2011

Fall arrived with it's own blessings for our family.  New experiences, one on one travels, and so much more.  This time also allowed us to begin to add things back into our lives.......fun things like sports, clubs, and classes.  Only this time, they were each added with perspective and placed appropriately on the priority list.

November 2011

December 2011

We finished out our year celebrating life.......Jesus's birthday and the gift of eternity with Him.  As you can see, we enjoyed a few gifts.  But the greatest gift of all was being able to spend the day loving and living with all of our family together.  Even in all the hub-bub of the season, we didn't lose site of the things that really matter.

I began 2011 living in what I thought was the Light.......turns out in was definitely in the shadows.......only to be plunged into the darkness where I really found the Light.  I will remember 2011 as the year that I really started to learn what it would mean to say, "Yes, Lord".  God is good all the time...........in fact, He's so much more than good.  Sometimes you have to go into the dark to truly appreciate the light.  I will tell you that in my darkest moments, the Light shone more brilliantly than I had ever seen.  This year is one that taught me to let go of a lot of things....some bad things, but more good things.  Saying "Yes, Lord" will always mean saying "No." to something else.  I wouldn't trade this year of letting go of the world and clinging ever more closely to God for anything.

Now go ahead and look back through these pictures.  Cancer takes so much from the patient and their families.  But look again, can you see what cancer can never touch?  Cancer can't even get close to snuffing out Life...........He lives and loves and brings joy.  Now I know from experience, that no matter what the road the God leads me to, no matter the pain involved........I can say "Yes, Lord" with joy in my heart and anticipation of His blessings along the way.  Thank you Lord!

I'll close with my facebook status from tonight.....

If I took a snap shot of my 2011, I would probably just want to burn it. But that would be a real shame!!! In all the ways that really matter, 2011 really was one of the best years of my life........I've loved more deeply, lived more intentionally, and discovered just how peaceful it is to be held in the arms of the Almighty God. Tonight I reflect with a heart full of gratitude.

Happy New Year blog world!  May 2012 be a year of drawing closer to God with every 'Yes'.


                                                                                         

                                                          Amy