Choosing Joy Moment by Moment

There are so many things that I have considered posting here on this blog, but for many reasons, I haven't done it.  This is one of those times.   Should I or shouldn't I?  For the moment I have decided to share the thoughts of my head and the feelings of my heart.  This is a place for me to process; it's my blog, so I get to make the decisions here.  The writing here would probably make an English teacher cringe, but I don't care.  This is the kind of thing that is found in the many personal journals that I have kept over the years.  It's for me and me alone; you're just getting to peek over my shoulder for a moment.  That said, feel free to quit reading..............

Thanksgiving Day is officially over, and I am glad.  I fully realize that I am blessed, and I've really tried to be thankful for those blessings.  I'm thankful, really I am.  But today has not been an easy one for me.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is what all holidays are going to be like.  I have the same knot-in-my-stomach kind of feeling that I had on D's birthday.  It's a strange place to be.  I hope that I have faked it enough for my family; I don't want to be a downer on their holiday!  I have found myself over and over again making a conscious decision to choose joy when what I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and cover my head.  I have accepted, for good or bad, that happiness is just out of my reach today, but that doesn't mean that I can't have joy.  So, for the bazillionth time today, I am choosing joy in this moment.  Happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal.

 I looked at the black Friday specials.......there was nothing there to entice me to go out.  I usually do go out, but not this year.  I just can't stand the thought of it.  I might actually head to WalMart sometime in the middle of the night if I can't sleep; I need a new pill cutter.  Exciting, uh?  I might even get milk and eggs and cook a real breakfast tomorrow.  I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing........I won't be spending money on things we don't need--that's good..........I can't even muster the energy to care--that's probably not so good.

The truth is that if I were to go and take on on-line survey at this moment, it would tell me that I am suffering from depression.  I know that it's true.  It's not the suicidal sort of depression; it's the it's just darn hard to do life right now kind of depression.  I've walked through this valley before; I am familiar with this territory.  It's not a great place to be.  Happiness is not to be found here........but joy still cannot be taken away; I know this to be a fact as well. The Peace that passes understading is alive and well here!  How can I be here and still have deep abiding peace.........that's the part that passes understanding, but it's oh so true.  Do you know what else I know about being in this place?  It's quiet, it's lonely............it's also the place where I hear the whisper of God.  It's a place that is so devoid of all of life's noises that I hear Him speak so clearly.  It's the place where I don't even have to try to stand up and walk because He's carrying me through.  I know that the only way out is to follow the sun, The Son.......and to take hold of all the climbing tools He puts in my hand.  I know that one day soon, He will place my feet on solid ground.  Until then, I will choose joy............moment by moment, I choose joy.



Tomorrow is a new day..........great is His faithfulness!  I'm looking forward to it!

                                                      Amy

ps. Mom, there's no need for you to call; I don't want to talk about it.