Why Journal?

I have kept a journal off and on since I first learned how to write.  The first journal I remember as a young child had a picture of a kitten on the front and that oh so secure gold lock that opened easier with a safety pin than the key.  I really wish I still had that journal!  I wonder what I wrote about.  My D likes to journal.  Sometimes she even lets me take a peek, but most of it she keeps to herself.  Last Christmas she got a journal with a key; I hope that she remembers it when she is my age!  I still have my journals from high school and college.  And more than a few from my adult years too.  This whole on-line thing still seems a bit too public for most of my thoughts; they are way too personal.  I journal because I want to remember the good things and it helps me to process and get through the less good things.  There have been times in my life when my journal was my only friend.

This particular journal is the direct result of something that I feel that the Lord has lead me to do.  And still, most of my thoughts are writing on the pages of boring old spiral notebooks and haven't been posted here.  I'm still working on saying, "Yes, Lord."  Tonight, I said, "Yes."  I would like to tell you that it feels great, but what I really feel at this moment is exposed.  I think that God is teaching me to be honest with and about myself.  I'm a slow learner; this could take awhile!

Oh well,
                                                             Amy

Choosing Joy Moment by Moment

There are so many things that I have considered posting here on this blog, but for many reasons, I haven't done it.  This is one of those times.   Should I or shouldn't I?  For the moment I have decided to share the thoughts of my head and the feelings of my heart.  This is a place for me to process; it's my blog, so I get to make the decisions here.  The writing here would probably make an English teacher cringe, but I don't care.  This is the kind of thing that is found in the many personal journals that I have kept over the years.  It's for me and me alone; you're just getting to peek over my shoulder for a moment.  That said, feel free to quit reading..............

Thanksgiving Day is officially over, and I am glad.  I fully realize that I am blessed, and I've really tried to be thankful for those blessings.  I'm thankful, really I am.  But today has not been an easy one for me.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is what all holidays are going to be like.  I have the same knot-in-my-stomach kind of feeling that I had on D's birthday.  It's a strange place to be.  I hope that I have faked it enough for my family; I don't want to be a downer on their holiday!  I have found myself over and over again making a conscious decision to choose joy when what I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and cover my head.  I have accepted, for good or bad, that happiness is just out of my reach today, but that doesn't mean that I can't have joy.  So, for the bazillionth time today, I am choosing joy in this moment.  Happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal.

 I looked at the black Friday specials.......there was nothing there to entice me to go out.  I usually do go out, but not this year.  I just can't stand the thought of it.  I might actually head to WalMart sometime in the middle of the night if I can't sleep; I need a new pill cutter.  Exciting, uh?  I might even get milk and eggs and cook a real breakfast tomorrow.  I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing........I won't be spending money on things we don't need--that's good..........I can't even muster the energy to care--that's probably not so good.

The truth is that if I were to go and take on on-line survey at this moment, it would tell me that I am suffering from depression.  I know that it's true.  It's not the suicidal sort of depression; it's the it's just darn hard to do life right now kind of depression.  I've walked through this valley before; I am familiar with this territory.  It's not a great place to be.  Happiness is not to be found here........but joy still cannot be taken away; I know this to be a fact as well. The Peace that passes understading is alive and well here!  How can I be here and still have deep abiding peace.........that's the part that passes understanding, but it's oh so true.  Do you know what else I know about being in this place?  It's quiet, it's lonely............it's also the place where I hear the whisper of God.  It's a place that is so devoid of all of life's noises that I hear Him speak so clearly.  It's the place where I don't even have to try to stand up and walk because He's carrying me through.  I know that the only way out is to follow the sun, The Son.......and to take hold of all the climbing tools He puts in my hand.  I know that one day soon, He will place my feet on solid ground.  Until then, I will choose joy............moment by moment, I choose joy.



Tomorrow is a new day..........great is His faithfulness!  I'm looking forward to it!

                                                      Amy

ps. Mom, there's no need for you to call; I don't want to talk about it.

The Elevator Pitch

I mentioned way back at the beginning of this blog that God had told me to write. Here's an excerpt from that very first post,

"Clearly I have a choice, I can write or I can choose not to write.  It's been in my brain and my heart for a week and this is the first time I have done it.  And I'm sitting here writing in a notebook when what I really think God wants is for me to write publicly on a blog----okay what I fear is that He wants me to write a book.  Did I mention that I'm not a writer???? People with passion for writing write books; people like me do not write books.  Oh my, just change my name to Moses now!"

"

Brooke, author of Warrior Prayers and Notes to Aspiring Writers: Your Dream, God’s Plan (due out next week), is having a little give-away of some interesting items on launch day, and she's challenged her blog readers to write an "elevator pitch" for their books.  It's been fun to read other people's blogs on this.  Those other people clearly have a dream to have a book published.  I want to state up front that I don't have any problem whatsoever with that dream and even think that it could be a God given dream for them.  It's just not my dream.  My dream is to be obedient in every area and specifically in this call to write.  Therefor, I don't have an "elevator pitch" so to speak.  My hope is that if I am given the opportunity to be on an elevator or visit with a publisher type person someday that our conversation would go something like this:

Me: Is there anything that I can be praying for you about personally?  How about professionally?  I know it must be hard for you to determine how to respond to the masses that flock to you!

Publisher-type:  shares some prayer requests or maybe vents about their job

Together we pray, right there, right that instant.

Publisher-type: Being leery of everyone, asks, "So do you have a book?"

Me: "God has placed a book deep in my heart.  So deep that I'm not even sure where to find it most of the time.  It's His book.  It's about life.  If He wants it published it will be.  Did He tell you about my book?"

If the response is a "yes", I would simply ask this person to pray about and get back to me if that's what God lead him or her to do.

That's my dream conversation.  There may come a point in time that God places in my heart or directs my path into actively seeking a publishing deal with someone---of course that would require a bit more of a book.  For the moment, I write.  I write here on this blog, I write in my personal journal, and I write here on a blog about my family's journey through cancer.  At some point, all of this writing might come together in book form, or it may not.  My prayer is still the same, that I would be obedient to the call that I heard so clearly back in April.  Pray for me?

By the way, I'd love to pray for you too......just leave a comment here.

                                       Amy

Day 21:Praying For Our Sons

Today's topic is humility; the prayers are on page 45.

I loved the way Brooke closed her book.  Prayer should be where we begin, but often times it is where we end; that is what she expresses here in her conclusion:   

the letting go, and placing my hope in the God who can. It’s putting none of my hope in what I can do, and all of my hope in what He has already done. It’s taking comfort in a God who loved deeply enough to save me and resting in the knowledge that He can do the same for my sons. It’s choosing to believe the truth of His Word--praying for its completion in the hearts of my sons--washing it over my tired heart and keeping my eyes on the One who straightens my path. It is enough for me and enough for my sons.


This is the last day of the prayer challenge.  Have you enjoyed it?  Are you even still reading--I haven't heard from most of you in awhile.  For me, this was a little on the light and fluffy side.  That's not necessarily bad, but I just didn't find it to be deep.  I did enjoy having some directed prayers each day.  It did lead to some interesting discussions with my oldest one too.  I am thankful for that!  It also is not about me.  There was some disapline to be here and post something everyday.  I needed that right now.  After today, there is no official reason for you to visit her, but I would love to have you return.  This is the place where I am just me, writing about what life it teaching me.  You're welcome to come and comment often.  I have enjoyed my time with you.

                                                                     Amy

Prayer is the coming to the end of myself,

Day 20:Praying for Our Sons

Today's topic is honesty; the prayers are on page 44.

These prayers follow the chapter on forgiveness and my brain is still stuck there.  I have read the Tripps book Shepharding a Child's Heart.  It's a good one though I didn't necessarily agree with all of it.  One of the things I did agree on was talked about here.  The difference between "I'm sorry" and "Please forgive me" is big.  I try to teach my kids the difference.  I'm not sure that I have succeeded there yet; good thing they will be with me a few more years :)  How do you handle this between your kids and you and your kids?  I find that I much seek forgiveness from them continually because I am just as much of a sinner as they are.

Interested in your thoughts,
Amy

Day 19:Praying for Our Sons

Today's topic is salvation; the prayers are on page 41.

Without this, all the other prayers are useless. 

Amy

Day 18:Praying for Our Sons

Today's topic is anger; the prayers are on page 40.

Multiple times in the Old Testament the Lord is described as, "slow to anger, abounding in love."  That's what I want for myself and my children.  One of mine has a problem with anger, so many of these verses are familiar to me because this is a topic of my prayers for him often.  Lord, just teach him to be like You, slow to anger, abounding in love.  Amen

Amy