***A little warning......first.......this is my blog .......it often functions as my therapy.........humor gets me through life......and while "THIS" is not about me, this blog is about me.........if any of those things offend you, click away now.....you’ve been warned........
Second.....this is me, my heart, my thoughts, my struggles. I am far from perfect. I am trying, but I promise you, I fail a lot. This is for my black friends AND my white friends. You are free to comment with your real thoughts, with your real anger as long as they are directed at me. Do not attack my friends or vent your anger at them on this post! I will delete those comments immediately. Say what you want about and to ME.....unfriend me, hate me, whatever.....just leave my friends out of it. Because, guess what? I have friends that look like me and think like me which means maybe they look and think like you too. But I have been abundantly blessed in this life to have friends that don’t look like me and/or think like me too. I love you all. And because I love you, I will shut down anyone who attacks any of you......I’m the friend mama bear ;)
Saying yes in the hurting and leaning into the brokenness is not easy or painless.........
To say that 2020 has been a wild ride is an understatement. And I’m not going to lie, it’s not a fun one. I have sent 17 sympathy cards this year and should have sent about 5 more. Most of those were in January and February, before the rest of the madness hit. Grief hangs so heavy over this year!
Next came Covid-19.......another grief and fear inducing chapter. Not sure if this ‘game’ is over, or if we’re just pausing for half-time entertainment. If Covid is a game and where we find ourselves in America is the half-time show, it so much worse than any Super Bowl halftime I’ve hated in the past. I want to beg someone to pull the plug......but pulling the plug would just turn the lights off and stuff all this crap back into the darkness......what we really need.....what I NEED.....is to shine The Light into all the dark spaces. What I really need, not want, NEED, is to be broken.
Guys, I’m broken....and I want to be broken more because only in MY brokenness can God mold me back together in His image.
This is about to get messy. I’m going to ramble and let my thoughts flow.
Gods word tells me that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. There’s a lot of speaking going on in the world and in my head. The overflow is beautiful, it’s ugly, it’s filled with hate, and it’s filled with love. As my heart and the hearts of others are squished.....the overflow spews out. Hurting people lash out and hurt others.
Y’all, my black friends are hurting in ways that I can not understand. I don’t know what it’s like to fear for my life and the lives of my kids every day because they go out into a world where there are many people, some of those people in powerful positions, that hate them just because they are black. Those are real facts. Police that use excessive force, even when its not deadly but especially when it is, are 100% wrong and should be held accountable every single time. I support all of the protests calling for and demanding change. To my black friends if you’re reading this. I’ve learned in situations where people are hurting and grieving that sometimes the best thing that I have to offer is simply to sit with you........to listen to the deep rage and anguish in your heart and not shy away....to just be with you. If that is your place, and you want me there, just say the word.
Five years ago, my oldest son got his driver’s license. Around the same time, the black son of a friend of mine got his license. His mom probably has no idea to the way she opened my eyes as she and I were talking about how much having a teenager drives moms to their knees in prayer. She wasn’t trying to educate me, we were just talking as friends. Her experience of a mom and mine were so similar, yet so different......her fears as her son drove away for the first time and every time after that were my fears PLUS......plus a whole lot of blatant racism layered on top. It was then that I really began to think about and learn about what it means to be black, and young black male in particular, in our society. Since then, I have made it a point to look the black people I encounter in the eyes and offer a smile. A smile that hopefully communicates what words would only make awkward between strangers in passing....a smile that says I see you.....a smile that says I don’t hate you.....a smile that says that I’m glad we’re part of the same world.
I try, but sometimes I see a person and I am uncomfortable, afraid even.....the smile doesn’t come. Sometimes those people are black. Sometimes they get on an elevator with me, and I hold my purse closer to my body. Sometimes I meet them walking down the sidewalk or in the mall, and I intentionally change my path to avoid them. Sometimes I see them on the street corner as I’m driving, and I double check that my doors are locked. This week, I have been informed over and over in mostly angry rants from people with black, brown, and white skin that this means I am a racist.
I have a problem with that.......I have been personally attacked and it hurts.
Definition of a Racist-a person who believes the doctrine that one’s own racial
group is superior or that a particular racial
group is inferior to others
I am not a racist. I don’t believe that whites are superior or that blacks or any other color is inferior. You see, while every single one of those scenarios have played out with a black person......they’ve also played out with people with white and brown skin. The skin tone is not the basis of my reaction. My reaction has much more to do with body language, what a person is wearing, the look in their eyes, and the feeling in my gut. I promise, those Shriners on the street corners collecting money get those locks rechecked just as quick as anyone.....they seriously freak me out!
***Just going to repeat this right here.....my black friends can chew me up one side and down the other....... They are my friends and in that place they have the space to speak to me ........but there better be NO ONE, and I mean not one single person that lashes out at them for who they are or what they say to me***and black friends, please keep reading before you disown me, pretty please with a cherry on top because I really do love ya.
I’m struggling guys, really struggling. I’m asking God to break me and illuminate the ways that I can love better. Because while I am not racist, I have not been anti-racist either. I am heartbroken over the fact that I am sure that I have hurt my black friends at some point with my own words or actions. I am sure that I have missed opportunities to stand shoulder to shoulder with them and call out racism and injustice for what it is. I’ll share one specific time. I was in line at a fast food restaurant with my black friend standing directly and obviously in front of me in line. When the next cashier came open, the man looked at me and said, “I’ll take your order.” I responded, “she’s ahead of me.” And he just repeated, “I’ll take your order.” She laughed and said just go ahead. Looking back, I should have realized this situation for what it was and called him out and stood next to my friend and walked with her out of the store. But we continued on with our meal and she never mentioned it or showed any sort of hurt. But when I think on it, I am completely torn up.....I should have been a better friend. I should have noticed what was right in front of me instead of laughing it off as some clueless fast food employ. Though she never seemed hurt, I know she must have been....and I added to that hurt. I want to do better, and I’m asking God to show me how.
I’m also pro good cop. I back the Blue. I believe there are more good cops than bad. I believe we need to support the good cops and give them ways to call out the bad without putting their own jobs on the line. I believe that the bad ones should be held accountable for their actions. I believe that cop behavior should be above reproach. I believe that cops in general, not all, need to get off of their power trips every single day. There's no reason to be a jerk when you make a traffic stop or approach a group of teenagers (and yes, even white people experience these on a regular basis). But I also believe that as citizens we can all do our part to be respectful. I have friends that are cops and friends whose spouses are cops. I love them, and I support them. Blue lives do matter.....they mattered to me before this current situation started......I won't change or step away from that. These men and women put their lives on the line for us day in and day out. If we want to talk numbers, there are way more cops killed in the line of duty than there are cops killing people. They will ALWAYS have my support. Don’t bash and trash my good cop friends!
The media is going to make sure that we know for a fact that there are black criminals who are looting, rioting, and killing....guess what? There are white criminals working right along side of them. Some of these individuals are actually doing this as part of a protest, but many are simply taking advantage of a situation to be the criminals that they are and have been every day. I don't agree with or condone this violent behavior, but I'd rather focus on the bigger group of protesters out there that are doing so lawfully and simply demanding to be heard.......I respect these people. I can't begin to understand all that is in their hearts and minds. It's about cops killing black people, but it's about so much more than that. Don't ask me what.....I already fulling admitted that I don't know or understand the details.
The messages I get are confusing. Silence is bad.....but saying too much, too little, too soon or too late is also bad.....I have somehow managed to do all of these according to my varied critics. I know I'm not alone in this, and while it is frustrating, I'm not looking for anyone to fix it either. I have questions. I am reading things that sometimes answer those questions, sometimes create more questions, and always on some level make me uncomfortable. I understand the sentiment that whites should not ask blacks to educate them because of the emotional work that takes of blacks. I remember the exhaustion of trying to explain a cancer diagnosis when I could barely speak the word cancer. I remember the way talking about it broke my heart a little more each time. It's the reason that people like me with a medical crisis set up Caring Bridge pages to share informations.......you just don't have it in you to repeat it over and over. So I understand this weariness. And I understand that it doesn't matter that my daughter is doing well--when a child dies from cancer, the emotional hit is huge because they are family, even it I have never met them....they are my people. I imagine it is the same for my black friends. But I also know that in order for other people to join you in the fight for change, there comes a point and time that you must do the educating. I will say that the emotional toll never gets easier. I have seasons where childhood cancer advocacy is something I am actively involved in, but then I have seasons where I retreat from the frontline the regain some emotional balance. So some of my questions will go unanswered until my black friends are ready to answer. If you are trying and taking baby steps towards being a more loving and kind person or organization, please don't let those who come at you with complaints of 'not doing it right or enough' deter you. Keep taking those baby steps. Keep growing and becoming better humans and organizations.
I'm frustrated with my white friends too. I see their posts, and frankly agree with the sentiment in many of them........what about the black on black crime........what about the white kid killed by the cops.....all lives matter.......etc.......etc......etc. And I have to ask why? Why are you posting these things that you KNOW are inflammatory? Why kick someone when they are down? Why add fuel to the fire? Are these posts doing any good to anyone? How are any of these helping anyone? Are you just trying to stir the pot? These are issues that need to be addressed, but bringing them up right now serves no good purpose. Trust me, I get it. I just cringe every time I see one. If the goal is loving one another and bringing unity, I just feel like this is not the way.
I don't have all the answers......shoot, I don't really have any answers. This is an issue so deep rooted and complex, that there is no easy fix. I believe that it's going to take generations. I think it's important to keep having conversations with my kids. I believe my actions speak a lot louder than any words I might say. At the end of the day, this is my direction....it won't lead me astray......
Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your
soul and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.’
Neighbors......black ones, brown ones, yellow ones, white ones, and purple polka-dotted ones, rioters in the street, cops in uniform........I will fail lots and lots, but I’m trying to succeed more and more each day to love you as He loves you which is a whole lot better than anything this world has to offer.
Blessings,
Amy
