Where Are You God

****i am not a pastor or a biblical scholar.....i’m just a ordinary girl stumbling my way towards heaven...these are the ramblings of my heart this morning*** 

It’s Easter Sunday. From this side of history and in the church, I think we’ve (me included) have lost the enormity of this story. It’s easy to do that when you know the rest of the story. It’s easy to skip over the despair of Friday and the grief of Saturday because we know that Sunday is coming. And let’s be honest, our entire lives have been lived in a ‘post Sunday’ world.

We could go back to Friday because even Jesus asked of God, “my God why have you forsaken me?” There’s not a clearer way to ask, ‘where are you God?’ But, it’s Sunday, and God has my heart in Sunday. Here’s where I am......Matthew 28:5-8.

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 

It’s 4 verses. How quickly did you read them? How many of you in your mind were more.....yada, yada, yada, go, there’s Jesus, tell the disciples, and get on with the story. It’s so easy to do that in this ‘post Sunday’ world. But let’s look at some more details given in Mark 16:1-8

When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”

But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

This is the part we skip. These women were friends of Jesus. They were at the tomb to mourn and take care of the body of their friend. I can put myself here. I can imagine leaving my home early in the morning......after not having gone to sleep at all. I can feel the heaviness of each slow step towards the grave. I feel the nervousness and dread....how we will move the stone?......I don’t want to do this.......I will do this for my friend......How is it even possible that I am here?.....the list goes on and on. I feel the weight of the 2 days of questioning, “Where are you God? This is not how this was supposed to go.”

Then they are quickly overwhelmed with facts that don’t make sense......OVERWHELMED!  The stone has already been rolled away......the body is gone....there is a man, an angel, an I don’t know what saying not to be afraid.......we’ll, darn it, I am afraid because I have no idea what has happened, and I can’t make any sense of what is before me. Where.Are.You.God????? Mark tells us that they were trembling and fled the tomb. This I totally get! I think that bewildered is a mild term to describe what they must have been feeling. 

How long was it before they were able to move through their fear enough to tell Peter and the disciples? When they told them, was it a story of faith.....’Guys, he rose from the dead just like he said he would! The tomb is empty; we will see him soon.’.......or was it clouded with fear, with doubt, with uncertainty.......’Peter....his body is gone....I don’t know where or how....there’s a guy there that says he has risen....but it was strange and scary and maybe he just stole the body and lied to us.....Peter, how can this be?.....where is God?.....Peter, he is alive....Jesus is alive!’

On this side of Sunday, it is easy to embrace the truth and the power of the resurrection........but am I really? Herein lies the real question for me. On this Easter Sunday in 2020, I find myself in a place and a world of uncertainty. In every way the world measures, we are in a mess.......massive amounts of people are dying each day, the world economy is in shambles, people are afraid of everything, heck, we can’t even find any toilet paper. Where is God in all this? With all this uncertainty and whatever plans I thought God had put before me wiped away.....am I embracing the truth and the power of my resurrected Jesus or am I stuck, unable to move, trembling in my fear? The honest truth is that it depends on the moment. Too often when I don't see God or He does not seem to be who I want him to be or act as I want him to act, I find myself 'trembling and bewildered' and doing nothing 'because I am afraid.' My God is unshakable, my faith is secure........but dang if fears don’t try to test that on a regular basis!

I don’t have it all figured out.....I don’t even have a small fraction of it figured out! But I do know that my God is bigger than whatever small glimpse I see before me. I know that at the end of this blip we call life, there is eternity with Him because of Easter. Jesus made sure of that. And while I feel like God often shakes his head, He is faithful to hold me through my fears and to fill my soul with peace. God is there to remind me of the victory of this Sunday.  In the words given to my good friend Brad on this Easter Sunday, “Let go of the fear and embrace the faith.”

Where are you God? Closer than my next breath......thank you, Jesus!

Be blessed friends!
                                            Amy 

When Saying Yes Feels A Whole Lot Like Saying No

It’s been awhile…………a really long while.  So, hey people of the interwebs; welcome back to my ramblings.

I don’t know where this is really going; I just know that the title has been floating around in my head for a few days.  I’ve been resistant to come back here. I don’t know why. March 2020 will definitely be a month to remember. If I’m around long enough to see it, it will be interesting to see how the history books describe this time in our lives. This is week 3 of being fully at home for me. Week 1 was actually nice and very productive. I got rid of a huge load of junk that’s been needing to go for a long time, we donated our oversized, over-loved couch, and I reclaimed the junk room of the house to make room for the hubs to have a space with a home office. Week 2 was absolutely not productive other than cooking so many meals. Then there was Saturday…….Saturday is when this all really seemed to hit everyone in our house. We were snippy with each other, and I just wanted to sleep the day away. This week is a mixed bag.

But y’all, I’ve been here before. I experienced life being yanked out from under me. I’ve experienced a cleared calendar. I’ve experienced isolation. I’ve experienced the fear of every surface carrying the germ that could kill my family member. Only last time it was much more shocking……one day we were fine, the next our world was shaken to the foundation.  And it was different because, while my world was shattered, everyone else’s world kept right on moving along.  This time was like a slow rumble, life slowing changing, and then finally recognizing that life had indeed been slowly yanked from under me again. This time the whole world has come to a stand still.  We’re all in this one together. Can I tell you how thankful I am that this life is not accompanied by the beeping of an IV or the quiet steps of a nurse at 2am? But at the same time, I long for that bubble of security which is lacking in this new world we are living in.  ----and let’s just take a moment right here to stop and really pray for those nurses who are still showing up at 2am to take care of their patients….most of the time without the protective equipment they need to keep themselves and their own families safe. ----Back in 2011, life taught me more than a few lessons.  So, I’m going to use this post to remind myself and maybe give you a head start on the learning.

Saying yes to this is really not a choice because we never got asked.  And this yes definitely feels like a big fat NO……..no sports, no school, no hang time with friends, no leisure shopping, no visiting family, no…..no……no!

But there is a yes, and it’s beautiful.  God is in the yes……Yes, I was here, am here, and am already in tomorrow.  I started an online journal with this in 2011 and still feel this exact same way in today……..”It scares me when I think of the days that are going to be so much worse.  I'm honestly not sure how I will cope, I just know that God is rarely early, but never late, and that He will be there to hold me up.”

When my world shattered in 2011 and all that was left was my foundation, I found it to be firm, unmoved, and solid in a way I had not understood before. And here I am again………with a faithful and unchanging God that still holds me in the palm of His hand. As I scroll through social media, I see signs and chalk drawings boldly proclaiming that “Everything will be alright.” And I simply shake my head.  I love the sentiment, but I know from experience that everything will not be alright, at least not this side of Heaven. It will not be alright when someone you love, or even someone that you just casually know, dies. I’ll be brutally honest here…..what if I die? Will that be alright? What if one of my family dies? Will that be alright? No, no it absolutely will not be alright this side of Heaven! I remember grappling with the fact that my daughter could die from cancer. So many well-intentioned folks told me ‘not to go there’ and ‘not to even speak those words’. But God knows me better than I know myself and was gentle with me through the struggle. He’s gentle with me now. I am a person that ‘has to go there’ in order to get to the place where God wants me to be…..at His feet. What I know deep, deep in my soul is that God is Good.  He’s good when I get the answer to my prayers that I long for, but I’m here to proclaim to you that He is Good, even better than good, when my prayers seem to go unanswered, when the answer is no, when my world that I thought couldn't shatter anymore somehow does…..He is Good. I have no idea how I can survive a worst-case scenario, but God does. And I choose to trust that He is already in my tomorrows. So I will give the future to Him…………….and then I’ll snatch it back with fear and worry………..and then I’ll give it to Him again. And then I’ll repeat the process over and over again with my Father who loves me immeasurably more than I can ever possibly imagine.

The 2011 version of Amy was wiser than she knew. Her words are a great comfort to me now. So I’ll leave you with these thoughts from January 24, 2011, just 9 days after the world as I knew it was changed forever…..

         “I am focusing right now on John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Grief and sadness may be my partner for the moment, but I choose to live life, not just to get by, but in the FULLNESS that Christ paid the price for.  There are things and experiences that keep being stolen from each member of this family.  I refuse to live with the thief though, and we will choose to walk in the Light and His joy.  So pray for me tomorrow because it won't be easy, but when you pray, don't forget to thank Him also for this opportunity to walk the path that He has laid before me.  It is a blessing to be me today!  Even if it doesn't look like it or feel like it on the surface---I am blessed beyond measure and held in the palm of His hand.  Deep, deep in my soul there is a peace that I have never felt before and a joy so profound that I can't even begin to give it words.”

Thanks 2011 Amy!

It's Been 1309 Days....Time to Blog Again?

This is so strange to me......why do I do this?  Two posts ago was titled "You Know It's Been a Long Time When"......I just read it.  When I posted that, it had been just over 1,300 days since I had posted before.  I managed one more post.  Then I guess I decided to wait another 1,309 days to post again.  I guess some things never change.  I would promise to do better, but I hate to break promises.  My track record says that I may post the blog I already have typed up and then wait another 1,300 days to attempt to do it again.

I had no idea what email I used to set this blog up. It only took me about 30 minutes and 40 Google verification codes to my phone to finally get back in here.  Seems I really should know better by now.

Oh well, I updated the family info section because I am no longer 30 something......M is no longer 16........K is no longer 11 (and since the boys are only 2 years apart it means at some point I managed to update M's age without updating K's or D's--weird)........D is no longer 8.

Here's where we are now......
I'm still hanging on to being a 40-something.
C and I have been married almost 26 years.
M is 21, has graduated from college, and is a real adult with a real job now.......strange I tell you!
K is 19 and a senior in college.
D is 16 and a junior in high school.

How in the world did my kids get so grown up????? There are moments when I miss them being younger, but over all, I really, really enjoy these adults that they've grown up to be! We don't quite have an empty nest, but that's just around the corner.  And though I know that I will be a mess when D spreads her wings and flies, I am also looking forward to having C all to myself again. 

So much life has happened since I last clicked the keyboard here.  Maybe I'll dig into the recesses of my mind and blog in hindsight about that, maybe not. All I really know if that for the last 3-4 days, God has rattled the title and some content of the blog I will post after this one around in my heart and my mind.  It didn't turn out how I thought it would, but hopefully that just means there's less of me and more of Him.

If there's anyone actually reading this, Hey, it's nice to see you again.

                                           Amy