Thanksgiving Day is officially over, and I am glad. I fully realize that I am blessed, and I've really tried to be thankful for those blessings. I'm thankful, really I am. But today has not been an easy one for me. I'm beginning to wonder if this is what all holidays are going to be like. I have the same knot-in-my-stomach kind of feeling that I had on D's birthday. It's a strange place to be. I hope that I have faked it enough for my family; I don't want to be a downer on their holiday! I have found myself over and over again making a conscious decision to choose joy when what I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and cover my head. I have accepted, for good or bad, that happiness is just out of my reach today, but that doesn't mean that I can't have joy. So, for the bazillionth time today, I am choosing joy in this moment. Happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal.
I looked at the black Friday specials.......there was nothing there to entice me to go out. I usually do go out, but not this year. I just can't stand the thought of it. I might actually head to WalMart sometime in the middle of the night if I can't sleep; I need a new pill cutter. Exciting, uh? I might even get milk and eggs and cook a real breakfast tomorrow. I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing........I won't be spending money on things we don't need--that's good..........I can't even muster the energy to care--that's probably not so good.
The truth is that if I were to go and take on on-line survey at this moment, it would tell me that I am suffering from depression. I know that it's true. It's not the suicidal sort of depression; it's the it's just darn hard to do life right now kind of depression. I've walked through this valley before; I am familiar with this territory. It's not a great place to be. Happiness is not to be found here........but joy still cannot be taken away; I know this to be a fact as well. The Peace that passes understading is alive and well here! How can I be here and still have deep abiding peace.........that's the part that passes understanding, but it's oh so true. Do you know what else I know about being in this place? It's quiet, it's lonely............it's also the place where I hear the whisper of God. It's a place that is so devoid of all of life's noises that I hear Him speak so clearly. It's the place where I don't even have to try to stand up and walk because He's carrying me through. I know that the only way out is to follow the sun, The Son.......and to take hold of all the climbing tools He puts in my hand. I know that one day soon, He will place my feet on solid ground. Until then, I will choose joy............moment by moment, I choose joy.
Tomorrow is a new day..........great is His faithfulness! I'm looking forward to it!
ps. Mom, there's no need for you to call; I don't want to talk about it.