I have kept a journal off and on since I first learned how to write. The first journal I remember as a young child had a picture of a kitten on the front and that oh so secure gold lock that opened easier with a safety pin than the key. I really wish I still had that journal! I wonder what I wrote about. My D likes to journal. Sometimes she even lets me take a peek, but most of it she keeps to herself. Last Christmas she got a journal with a key; I hope that she remembers it when she is my age! I still have my journals from high school and college. And more than a few from my adult years too. This whole on-line thing still seems a bit too public for most of my thoughts; they are way too personal. I journal because I want to remember the good things and it helps me to process and get through the less good things. There have been times in my life when my journal was my only friend.
This particular journal is the direct result of something that I feel that the Lord has lead me to do. And still, most of my thoughts are writing on the pages of boring old spiral notebooks and haven't been posted here. I'm still working on saying, "Yes, Lord." Tonight, I said, "Yes." I would like to tell you that it feels great, but what I really feel at this moment is exposed. I think that God is teaching me to be honest with and about myself. I'm a slow learner; this could take awhile!
Oh well,
Amy
Friday, November 25, 2011
Choosing Joy Moment by Moment
There are so many things that I have considered posting here on this blog, but for many reasons, I haven't done it. This is one of those times. Should I or shouldn't I? For the moment I have decided to share the thoughts of my head and the feelings of my heart. This is a place for me to process; it's my blog, so I get to make the decisions here. The writing here would probably make an English teacher cringe, but I don't care. This is the kind of thing that is found in the many personal journals that I have kept over the years. It's for me and me alone; you're just getting to peek over my shoulder for a moment. That said, feel free to quit reading..............
Thanksgiving Day is officially over, and I am glad. I fully realize that I am blessed, and I've really tried to be thankful for those blessings. I'm thankful, really I am. But today has not been an easy one for me. I'm beginning to wonder if this is what all holidays are going to be like. I have the same knot-in-my-stomach kind of feeling that I had on D's birthday. It's a strange place to be. I hope that I have faked it enough for my family; I don't want to be a downer on their holiday! I have found myself over and over again making a conscious decision to choose joy when what I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and cover my head. I have accepted, for good or bad, that happiness is just out of my reach today, but that doesn't mean that I can't have joy. So, for the bazillionth time today, I am choosing joy in this moment. Happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal.
I looked at the black Friday specials.......there was nothing there to entice me to go out. I usually do go out, but not this year. I just can't stand the thought of it. I might actually head to WalMart sometime in the middle of the night if I can't sleep; I need a new pill cutter. Exciting, uh? I might even get milk and eggs and cook a real breakfast tomorrow. I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing........I won't be spending money on things we don't need--that's good..........I can't even muster the energy to care--that's probably not so good.
The truth is that if I were to go and take on on-line survey at this moment, it would tell me that I am suffering from depression. I know that it's true. It's not the suicidal sort of depression; it's the it's just darn hard to do life right now kind of depression. I've walked through this valley before; I am familiar with this territory. It's not a great place to be. Happiness is not to be found here........but joy still cannot be taken away; I know this to be a fact as well. The Peace that passes understading is alive and well here! How can I be here and still have deep abiding peace.........that's the part that passes understanding, but it's oh so true. Do you know what else I know about being in this place? It's quiet, it's lonely............it's also the place where I hear the whisper of God. It's a place that is so devoid of all of life's noises that I hear Him speak so clearly. It's the place where I don't even have to try to stand up and walk because He's carrying me through. I know that the only way out is to follow the sun, The Son.......and to take hold of all the climbing tools He puts in my hand. I know that one day soon, He will place my feet on solid ground. Until then, I will choose joy............moment by moment, I choose joy.
Tomorrow is a new day..........great is His faithfulness! I'm looking forward to it!
Thanksgiving Day is officially over, and I am glad. I fully realize that I am blessed, and I've really tried to be thankful for those blessings. I'm thankful, really I am. But today has not been an easy one for me. I'm beginning to wonder if this is what all holidays are going to be like. I have the same knot-in-my-stomach kind of feeling that I had on D's birthday. It's a strange place to be. I hope that I have faked it enough for my family; I don't want to be a downer on their holiday! I have found myself over and over again making a conscious decision to choose joy when what I really wanted to do was crawl in bed and cover my head. I have accepted, for good or bad, that happiness is just out of my reach today, but that doesn't mean that I can't have joy. So, for the bazillionth time today, I am choosing joy in this moment. Happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal.
I looked at the black Friday specials.......there was nothing there to entice me to go out. I usually do go out, but not this year. I just can't stand the thought of it. I might actually head to WalMart sometime in the middle of the night if I can't sleep; I need a new pill cutter. Exciting, uh? I might even get milk and eggs and cook a real breakfast tomorrow. I can't really say if this is a good or bad thing........I won't be spending money on things we don't need--that's good..........I can't even muster the energy to care--that's probably not so good.
The truth is that if I were to go and take on on-line survey at this moment, it would tell me that I am suffering from depression. I know that it's true. It's not the suicidal sort of depression; it's the it's just darn hard to do life right now kind of depression. I've walked through this valley before; I am familiar with this territory. It's not a great place to be. Happiness is not to be found here........but joy still cannot be taken away; I know this to be a fact as well. The Peace that passes understading is alive and well here! How can I be here and still have deep abiding peace.........that's the part that passes understanding, but it's oh so true. Do you know what else I know about being in this place? It's quiet, it's lonely............it's also the place where I hear the whisper of God. It's a place that is so devoid of all of life's noises that I hear Him speak so clearly. It's the place where I don't even have to try to stand up and walk because He's carrying me through. I know that the only way out is to follow the sun, The Son.......and to take hold of all the climbing tools He puts in my hand. I know that one day soon, He will place my feet on solid ground. Until then, I will choose joy............moment by moment, I choose joy.
Tomorrow is a new day..........great is His faithfulness! I'm looking forward to it!
Amy
ps. Mom, there's no need for you to call; I don't want to talk about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)