And now, on to the post that I thought I was writing a couple of minutes ago.....unless, of course, God has something else I mind:)
Each day of my sweet girl's treatment for cancer has been marked off of the calendar with gratitude that we survived that day. That hasn't changed, but over the last month something has changed. For so long, I have repeated to myself, "We're one step closer.". It's a true statement, but as I have finally begun to see the end of treatment in the not so distant future another question has come. One step closer to what? I remember back at the beginning telling people that I just couldn't wrap my brain around 2 1/2 years of treatment. So we took it one day at a time, one treatment phase at a time. Now here I sit with only 4 months of treatment left , and I marvel that we have made it to the point that I can see that endpoint at all. It seemed so far away 2 years ago, but now it's rapidly approaching.
And now the question comes......one step closer to what? Well, one thing is obvious; one step closer to no more daily chemo. What most people assume is that that brings with it great excitement and a feeling of conquering the beast we know as cancer. And there is some of that for sure. One step closer to being cured. But the backdrop is what no cancer mom wants to talk about because it is perhaps our biggest fear.......relapse. Are we one step closer to a cure or one step closer to relapse.......the question, one step closer to what? The truth is that only time will tell because no one on earth knows the answer to that question. The truth is that you start this journey with only one thought in mind....cure. But somewhere along the way your are met with the reality that relapse is a very real possibility.
Now I know what many well meaning people will say at this point. You must think positive! Most kids do NOT relapse. Eighty percent, in fact, never hear the word leukemia again. I'm a pretty positive person, but I'm also a numbers girl and a realist. Here's what I would tell you about 80%.......80% means that 1in 5 kids WILL, in fact, relapse. That doesn't sound quite as good. I'll also let you know that well less than 1% of kids will ever have cancer in the first place, and I've already been faced with experiencing that 1%. Which means that facing 20% seems all that more likely to me.
So back to the question that is rattling around my brain.....one step closer to what? If I'm talking cure or relapse, I honestly don't know the answer. But this question is way bigger than cancer. One step closer to.........Jesus or Satan? Now you might think that is a bit dramatic, but I believe it's always one or the other........harsh but true. What I've learned is that each steps take has significance here; each choice I make matters. And then there's the truth that points to peace and makes all the other questions pale in comparison. THE answer........one step closer to what?........Heaven and the arms of my Savior. Between here and there will be either cure or relapse, or perhaps both. But the destination will not change.........each and every step in every one of my days brings me one step closer to Heaven. Thank you Jesus!