Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What Step Am I On????

This is where I feel like I am right now--somewhere in the middle of a never-ending stair case.  A staircase just like this one---only I'm going up, fighting for each step.  I have a healthy fear of heights.  This particular staircase was constructed with grated metal steps that you could see through.  I found myself having to take several breaks because I would get dizzy and lose my depth perception while looking at/through the next step (okay, so the physical exertion required caused me to take a few breaks too, but it didn't make me dizzy). 

My life resembles my walk up this staircase in so many ways right now.  The journey through cancer with my baby takes more out of me physically than I ever imagined it would.  I find that each night I am totally exhausted even when I didn't do anything of significance during the day.  Then I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity before getting up to do it all again.  If it's a clinic or hospital day, the exhaustion is multiplied by 100.  It's crazy.  I would think that something was terribly wrong with me, but I know too many other cancer moms who are right there with me.  Some days (steps) are easier than others, but the sum of them is just crazy.

Each step is scary and taken with a certain measure of fear.  Fear of slipping, fear of falling, fear of taking the wrong step.  I can see through the steps........I can see the intended destination--the cure.  But I can also see just how far there is to fall--I can see a tragic end.  I can see me slipping down a few steps and getting a few bruises.  I've also experienced that; some of the bruises are healing and not at all evident, but some are fresher and still more tender to the touch.  Some came from slipping down just one step, but some came from a bigger, more significant fall that knocked me to my knees a few steps down.

As I look through the steps, I loose perspective and have to take a moment to re-orient myself.  If the steps were solid this would not be a problem.  But they aren't.  If I loose my focus and start to look beyond to the what ifs, I feel queasy and dizzy.  Jesus is my focus; in Him the path is straight and solid.  But when I look for more than He is ready for me to have or listen to the voices inside and outside of my head that draw my attention away from Him, I falter.  I have to take a break to get my focus and perspective back.

There are also several landings on the staircase that is my life.  Some of them are small like the one in the foreground of the picture.  They only allow for enough pause to catch my breath for a second and then it is time to journey on.  Some of them are a bit larger and allow for a longer period of sure-footedness before the next step comes.  And God has provided the blessing of some landings with benches where I can sit for awhile and take a break..........get a drink of water, rest my legs, admire His creation, take stock of where I've been, where I'm going, and how He's leading the way.  I like those landings........thankfully, I've had a week to enjoy one!

There are a couple of other things about this staircase of life that are only because I serve a mighty God full of love and grace.  Like the stairs in the picture, my steps have a solid base and are built with sturdy material--there is no wood that is rotted and about to break; the steps are of steel.  My life staircase also has guiding handrails.  While it is possible to fall over the side, He has provided protection to keep me from falling over. Like the staircase in the picture, my life is surrounded by the beauty of His beauty just has faces that smile, arms that hug, and words that encourage.  And just like this staircase in the picture, C is walking it with me, more sure of his steps and leading the way.  And at the end, there is a scene of beauty that can't be reached any other way.

I got notice today that it is time to get up off of the bench; this period of rest is over.  During the next couple of days I will be gathering my gear and preparing to take the next step.  Friday morning I will start the climb.  Those that have gone before me tell me these next few steps can be slippery.  I fear that I will be getting some new bruises.  God's Word is true, and I'm claiming His promise from Psalm 37:23-24 "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."  I will be clinging to the guide rails He so lovingly places around me, but even with those that just might fail, I am secure in the hand that is upholding me. Thank you, Lord, for holding on tight.  I know I don't need the hand rails of my friends, but I thank you for giving them to me to make the steps a little bit easier. 

Each step I take is one step closer to Heaven.........time to get moving.



  1. Daily Devotional.. Keep me focused- Your Faith and love for your family are amazing.

  2. Just added your blog to my Google reader, Amy. I am challenged and inspired by what I've read already. Looking forward to "following" you in this journey.