Today I Said, "Yes."

Today I said yes to being a leader for a 21 day challenge of prayer for my boys.  At first I said, but I'm too tired, my schedule is to up in the air, I have too much going on already, I really can't commit to this, ...............I'm really too much Yours to say anything but yes.  So here it goes.  This is your official invitation to join me in prayer for your sons.  The official challenge starts June 8 and will continue for 21 days.  We will be lifting up our boys in prayer.  The author of Warrior Prayers, Brooke, will be our number one cheerleader and we'll be praying with groups from all over the world.  If you don't have the book, you can go here to buy the ebook; it's only $5.97.

So, all you moms of boys, do you want to pray with me?  Only have girls........then pray for the future husband.  Just join us.  Leave a comment here.  Or if you're more techno savvy than me (I'm new to this thing) link up with your blog or twitter or facebook or however you know to do it :)  I don't have too much info on this right now, so I'm just jumping in....come take the plunge with me and we can fumble our way through it together.  I will post more info about the challenge as I get it.

                                Amy

21 Days of Prayer for My Boys

Check out this great book!  I've had my eye on it, and today it's FREE!  Just go to her site to get the details on how to get the ebook for free.  If you miss out on the free book today, you can purchase it for only $6. I love my boys and I love the challenge........it starts June 8.

                                                                                  Amy

What Step Am I On????

This is where I feel like I am right now--somewhere in the middle of a never-ending stair case.  A staircase just like this one---only I'm going up, fighting for each step.  I have a healthy fear of heights.  This particular staircase was constructed with grated metal steps that you could see through.  I found myself having to take several breaks because I would get dizzy and lose my depth perception while looking at/through the next step (okay, so the physical exertion required caused me to take a few breaks too, but it didn't make me dizzy). 

My life resembles my walk up this staircase in so many ways right now.  The journey through cancer with my baby takes more out of me physically than I ever imagined it would.  I find that each night I am totally exhausted even when I didn't do anything of significance during the day.  Then I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for what seems like an eternity before getting up to do it all again.  If it's a clinic or hospital day, the exhaustion is multiplied by 100.  It's crazy.  I would think that something was terribly wrong with me, but I know too many other cancer moms who are right there with me.  Some days (steps) are easier than others, but the sum of them is just crazy.

Each step is scary and taken with a certain measure of fear.  Fear of slipping, fear of falling, fear of taking the wrong step.  I can see through the steps........I can see the intended destination--the cure.  But I can also see just how far there is to fall--I can see a tragic end.  I can see me slipping down a few steps and getting a few bruises.  I've also experienced that; some of the bruises are healing and not at all evident, but some are fresher and still more tender to the touch.  Some came from slipping down just one step, but some came from a bigger, more significant fall that knocked me to my knees a few steps down.

As I look through the steps, I loose perspective and have to take a moment to re-orient myself.  If the steps were solid this would not be a problem.  But they aren't.  If I loose my focus and start to look beyond to the what ifs, I feel queasy and dizzy.  Jesus is my focus; in Him the path is straight and solid.  But when I look for more than He is ready for me to have or listen to the voices inside and outside of my head that draw my attention away from Him, I falter.  I have to take a break to get my focus and perspective back.

There are also several landings on the staircase that is my life.  Some of them are small like the one in the foreground of the picture.  They only allow for enough pause to catch my breath for a second and then it is time to journey on.  Some of them are a bit larger and allow for a longer period of sure-footedness before the next step comes.  And God has provided the blessing of some landings with benches where I can sit for awhile and take a break..........get a drink of water, rest my legs, admire His creation, take stock of where I've been, where I'm going, and how He's leading the way.  I like those landings........thankfully, I've had a week to enjoy one!

There are a couple of other things about this staircase of life that are only because I serve a mighty God full of love and grace.  Like the stairs in the picture, my steps have a solid base and are built with sturdy material--there is no wood that is rotted and about to break; the steps are of steel.  My life staircase also has guiding handrails.  While it is possible to fall over the side, He has provided protection to keep me from falling over. Like the staircase in the picture, my life is surrounded by the beauty of His creation......my beauty just has faces that smile, arms that hug, and words that encourage.  And just like this staircase in the picture, C is walking it with me, more sure of his steps and leading the way.  And at the end, there is a scene of beauty that can't be reached any other way.

I got notice today that it is time to get up off of the bench; this period of rest is over.  During the next couple of days I will be gathering my gear and preparing to take the next step.  Friday morning I will start the climb.  Those that have gone before me tell me these next few steps can be slippery.  I fear that I will be getting some new bruises.  God's Word is true, and I'm claiming His promise from Psalm 37:23-24 "The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."  I will be clinging to the guide rails He so lovingly places around me, but even with those that just might fail, I am secure in the hand that is upholding me. Thank you, Lord, for holding on tight.  I know I don't need the hand rails of my friends, but I thank you for giving them to me to make the steps a little bit easier. 

Each step I take is one step closer to Heaven.........time to get moving.

                                                                                              

                                Amy

Tomorrow Is a New Day

Tomorrow I am going to do something that I have never done before; I am beginning a book club/Bible study with a group of online strangers.  We've introduced ourselves on through a facebook group.  I'm not sure they're ready for me in my current mental state :)  You know how when you meet someone for the first time that you are maybe more polite than normal.  You share those very surface parts of yourself that have at least had the rough edges smoothed out some?  At the moment I lost interest in that kind of interaction. I have so little time and energy that I have gotten more particular with the way I use it.  As I become more and more naked before God, my relationships have become more bare as well.  The outer layers or masks that we all wear take a lot of work to keep in tact.  That's too much work for me at the moment.  Your taking a bit of a risk these days when you ask me how I'm doing..........the answer will rarely be a simple, "fine."  Really the only time you're going to get that from me now is in the presence of my children; they are worth the work to maintain the mask.  I will protect them no matter what the cost to me personally.

I am praying that these on-line friendships with bloom and grow.  Technology, used the right way, is a beautiful thing.  So to my new friends, welcome to my life--all the good, the bad, the ugly, and the absolutely breath-takingly beautiful.  I'm so glad to have the opportunity to learn and share with you.

Ready, set, go.........I'm sure that I'll share more as we go along.

                                                                           

                                        Amy

Experiencing God

I woke up this morning and the Lord was calling……

First, there was the weekly email from my pastor asking the accountability question, “How have you experienced God in your life this week?”  That was quickly followed by these two facebook status updates from friends who don’t know each other: “If you want to discover God's purpose for your life, start by experiencing God.” And “Sometimes to experience God, you just have to sit down and listen.” 

Now, I keep telling you that I’m a bit on the slow side, but even I can get it after three times this morning.  I’ve been struggling to keep a positive outlook about life in general over the last week or so.  I’ve felt disconnected from God’s plans.  I know that this is my fault, not His.  I know that He is still here and readily available.  I KNOW all this, yet I having trouble feeling it.  It’s not been the greatest week for me.  What’s even more telling is that there are times I feel God, evidenced by my writing on caringbridge, but then I quickly forget it and begin to question where He is in all of this thing that I call life.  When I first read the accountability question, I just skimmed over it and frankly, didn’t give it much thought.  Then came facebook.  God knows my heart; He hears my cries of “where are You?”  He is patient and calls me to slow down and remember exactly how He has shown up in tangible ways EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I want to write some things down. 

On Wednesday, I took a leave of absence from one of my “full time jobs”—that would be teaching math to K.  I am a homeschooling mommy. I informed the principal (my sweet husband) by text that “I am done.  It’s your job for the rest of the year.”  I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I meant it. The text I got back simply said, “OK.”  And like that, a major source of frustration for me and K was lifted.  God was there in the grace that He gave to C for him to say “ok” and take over that part of my responsibility.  Trust me, it’s not like C has extra time or energy to be teaching math when he gets home from his already demanding job.  But he takes his job as husband seriously and allows God to love me through him.  This may seem like something small to you, but from where I sit, it is HUGE!

In the midst of my tear-filled afternoon about school and feeling like a failure as a mom and a teacher, I got a phone call from a long-time friend that I haven’t talked to in months.  Poor girl didn’t know what she was calling into :)  We talked, and I was able to let go of some of my frustration.  I do believe that was God showing up again.

Thursday was the first decent day of school that we have had emotionally.  K and I didn’t have anything to melt down over and it changed the whole school experience.  The day ended with the two of us hugging with NO left over anger simmering beneath the surface.  That was a gift. K and C have also had the gift of learning together.  I’m sure C would rather not spend his limited time at home doing Algebra, but he’s enjoying it just a little bit too.

Today, I was able to get away for just over an hour to visit with a friend who just happened to be in town on business---just happened to be here when I needed a friend the most.  God just happens to be here too:) Also, as I type, my boys are having fun with a family from church just so that they could get out of the house for awhile.  God knows our needs.

These are just a few of the ways that I have experienced God this week.  This only scratches the surface.  The ways in which God is present deep in my soul cannot be described with words.  I find, though, that to truly experience God, I have to slow down long enough to take notice.  I have to quit trying to do it myself.  A lot of experiencing God is about doing nothing.  That’s hard to get through my head.  I have spent years joyfully (and some not so joyfully) serving God in different ways.  That’s not a bad thing, but sometimes the noise created by the service, or the Bible reading, or the small group, or the you name it, just gets in the way of the actual experience of God.

I’m so thankful that I have been able to have a few moments of stillness to EXPERIENCE God in a whole new way.

                                                                                                Amy

10 Things I Love or at Least Really Like

Jumping on the blog train today with a post a little bit on the lighter side.  So this was originally called "10 Things I Love", but I find that I don't feel like tossing "the love word" around today.  Here are some things that I love....

1. My husband.  Couldn't ask for a better person to share life with, both the good and the bad.

2. My kids.  I gave birth to them.  They have a piece of my heart forever.

3. My family. So blessed to have people in our lives that bless me over and over. (sorry, no pictures).

4. My friends.  They say that friends are the family you choose to have.  Wow, I have a great family--no pictures here because I don't want to leave anyone out.

5. My church.  The building is great and all, and if it burned down tomorrow, I would be sad.  But the building is only a place for the church to come together.  I have the BEST church family.  They have taught me a lot about loving and being loved over the past 3 months.

Now on to some things that I really like.............

6. Flowers.  They make me smile.  They remind me that the Creator cares about the small things.

7. Disney World.  So many of my favorite memories are at this place.......I accepted a marriage proposal at the foot of Cinderella's Castle, we honeymooned here, we've taken the kids too many times and had so much fun every single time.  It's the happiest place on earth you know.

8. Texas.  What's not to love about The Promised Land????  Everything is bigger in Texas, and it will always be home to me.

9. The beaches and sunsets, especially together.  So peaceful.  It reminds me that I serve a big, big God.

10.  My job.  I am a teacher--sometimes math, sometimes language arts, sometimes science, sometimes Legos, and sometimes just life.  All I know is that I am blessed to do it and even occaissionally get paid for it.

This was a good exercise for me today.  As I was looking at pictures to post, I saw so many other things that could easily have made this list.  It's always good to be thankful; changes your whole perspective on the day.

                                    Amy