It’s been awhile…………a really long while. So, hey people of the interwebs; welcome back to my ramblings.
I don’t know where this is really going; I just know that the title has been floating around in my head for a few days. I’ve been resistant to come back here. I don’t know why. March 2020 will definitely be a month to remember. If I’m around long enough to see it, it will be interesting to see how the history books describe this time in our lives. This is week 3 of being fully at home for me. Week 1 was actually nice and very productive. I got rid of a huge load of junk that’s been needing to go for a long time, we donated our oversized, over-loved couch, and I reclaimed the junk room of the house to make room for the hubs to have a space with a home office. Week 2 was absolutely not productive other than cooking so many meals. Then there was Saturday…….Saturday is when this all really seemed to hit everyone in our house. We were snippy with each other, and I just wanted to sleep the day away. This week is a mixed bag.
But y’all, I’ve been here before. I experienced life being yanked out from under me. I’ve experienced a cleared calendar. I’ve experienced isolation. I’ve experienced the fear of every surface carrying the germ that could kill my family member. Only last time it was much more shocking……one day we were fine, the next our world was shaken to the foundation. And it was different because, while my world was shattered, everyone else’s world kept right on moving along. This time was like a slow rumble, life slowing changing, and then finally recognizing that life had indeed been slowly yanked from under me again. This time the whole world has come to a stand still. We’re all in this one together. Can I tell you how thankful I am that this life is not accompanied by the beeping of an IV or the quiet steps of a nurse at 2am? But at the same time, I long for that bubble of security which is lacking in this new world we are living in. ----and let’s just take a moment right here to stop and really pray for those nurses who are still showing up at 2am to take care of their patients….most of the time without the protective equipment they need to keep themselves and their own families safe. ----Back in 2011, life taught me more than a few lessons. So, I’m going to use this post to remind myself and maybe give you a head start on the learning.
Saying yes to this is really not a choice because we never got asked. And this yes definitely feels like a big fat NO……..no sports, no school, no hang time with friends, no leisure shopping, no visiting family, no…..no……no!
But there is a yes, and it’s beautiful. God is in the yes……Yes, I was here, am here, and am already in tomorrow. I started an online journal with this in 2011 and still feel this exact same way in today……..”It scares me when I think of the days that are going to be so much worse. I'm honestly not sure how I will cope, I just know that God is rarely early, but never late, and that He will be there to hold me up.”
When my world shattered in 2011 and all that was left was my foundation, I found it to be firm, unmoved, and solid in a way I had not understood before. And here I am again………with a faithful and unchanging God that still holds me in the palm of His hand. As I scroll through social media, I see signs and chalk drawings boldly proclaiming that “Everything will be alright.” And I simply shake my head. I love the sentiment, but I know from experience that everything will not be alright, at least not this side of Heaven. It will not be alright when someone you love, or even someone that you just casually know, dies. I’ll be brutally honest here…..what if I die? Will that be alright? What if one of my family dies? Will that be alright? No, no it absolutely will not be alright this side of Heaven! I remember grappling with the fact that my daughter could die from cancer. So many well-intentioned folks told me ‘not to go there’ and ‘not to even speak those words’. But God knows me better than I know myself and was gentle with me through the struggle. He’s gentle with me now. I am a person that ‘has to go there’ in order to get to the place where God wants me to be…..at His feet. What I know deep, deep in my soul is that God is Good. He’s good when I get the answer to my prayers that I long for, but I’m here to proclaim to you that He is Good, even better than good, when my prayers seem to go unanswered, when the answer is no, when my world that I thought couldn't shatter anymore somehow does…..He is Good. I have no idea how I can survive a worst-case scenario, but God does. And I choose to trust that He is already in my tomorrows. So I will give the future to Him…………….and then I’ll snatch it back with fear and worry………..and then I’ll give it to Him again. And then I’ll repeat the process over and over again with my Father who loves me immeasurably more than I can ever possibly imagine.
The 2011 version of Amy was wiser than she knew. Her words are a great comfort to me now. So I’ll leave you with these thoughts from January 24, 2011, just 9 days after the world as I knew it was changed forever…..
“I am focusing right now on John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Grief and sadness may be my partner for the moment, but I choose to live life, not just to get by, but in the FULLNESS that Christ paid the price for. There are things and experiences that keep being stolen from each member of this family. I refuse to live with the thief though, and we will choose to walk in the Light and His joy. So pray for me tomorrow because it won't be easy, but when you pray, don't forget to thank Him also for this opportunity to walk the path that He has laid before me. It is a blessing to be me today! Even if it doesn't look like it or feel like it on the surface---I am blessed beyond measure and held in the palm of His hand. Deep, deep in my soul there is a peace that I have never felt before and a joy so profound that I can't even begin to give it words.”
Thanks 2011 Amy!
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